


Stay

by translevi



Series: red string [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Agender Character, Agender Hange Zoë, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Blow Jobs, Cheesy, Come Eating, Consensual Underage Sex, Crushes, Daddy Kink, Detective Erwin Smith, Erwin is a little shit, Erwin is hopeless, Eventual Relationships, Getting to Know Each Other, Good Guy Erwin, Homeless Levi, House Cleaning, Levi Is Bad At Feelings, Levi is a Little Shit, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Teasing, Trans Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Troubled Levi, Underage Smoking, erwin is falling hard and fast, levi watches soap operas, levi went from 0 to gay at mach 1, this got real domestic real fast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2018-08-28 21:36:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 30,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8463808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/translevi/pseuds/translevi
Summary: “I’ll suck your dick if you let me stay with you this winter.”Blue eyes startle open and wide, if he were drinking at that moment, he would have choked on it. Instead he stares at him with pure dumbfounded shock, completely unable to think of what to say.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> theyre gonna fall in love and be gay and ive been watching too much svu as of late

The warmth of the coffee cup in his hand was the only thing currently serving to warm his hand, a small respite against the biting cold that had settled into the air with the coming winter. Officer Smith idles outside the coffee shop, briefcase in hand housing case-papers he was bringing home to work on with the other hand moving his drink up to his lips to take a sip of the steaming hot beverage.

The cold wasn’t too bad this time of year, he mused. The weather man had claimed that the temperatures were supposed to be dropping within the rest of the week, but only time would tell.

It was merely a 3 minute walk back to the underground parking-lot where his car was stored, but he was in no rush today, choosing instead to take the time and enjoy the bustling streets of New York and the different inhabitants of it.

One inhabitant in particular had captured his attention effortlessly, be it from his work as a cop making him suspicious, or from the small man’s beauty - regardless, the raven haired boy leaning against the cold brick of the front of the coffee shop smoking had ensnared him.

Narrowed gun-metal eyes meet his stare evenly-he was staring, he realized-not breaking his gaze away even as he breathed out another cloud of smoke, cigarette held in small, shaky fingers. He is under-dressed for the weather, it would seem. His clothes appear thin and worn, and his body is no better; the wind was practically blowing through him.

Erwin was not one to consider himself a saint, quite the opposite, actually, but he would not turn away someone in need. His brow furrows in concern as the stranger's nose scrunches up in assumed displeasure, gaze finally breaking from Erwin’s to drag up and down his body.

Just as he is about to offer his help, the raven knocks him on his ass.

“I’ll suck your dick if you let me stay with you this winter.”

Blue eyes startle open and wide, if he were drinking at that moment, he would have choked on it. Instead he stares at him with pure dumbfounded shock, completely unable to think of what to say.

“I-”  
“The rest of November all the way to whenever the weather decides to un-fuck itself in March. You can use me anyway you want, however many times as you want as long as you let me stay. Take it or leave it blondie.”

“I,” Erwin responds dumbly. This situation makes him feel strange, he is used to control, used to leaving his opponent speechless, but now all he can do is gape, staring at him as if he had grown another head. “You-”

“Levi.” He interrupts, foot tapping against the concrete below, impatience getting the better of him.

“Levi, is this-”

He is quick to interrupt again, standing up straight before shifting his weight onto one leg, arms crossed. “Either you do it or I find someone else, it’s not hard.”

Whatever he was about to say is blown out of the water, back straightening and jaw tensing. He has to be young. He carries himself confidently but he is still twitchy, still nervous. He’s only 19 at the most, probably closer to 18 than anything. Erwin is not as young as he is, already at 25, the press would have a field day if they caught him taking someone at least 6-7 years younger than him home.

But as a cop he cannot leave him out on the streets, and he most certainly cannot leave him in the hands of more undesirable people. So with a deep sigh, he beckons him over. “My car is just a quick walk from here.”

He is quick to mask it, but for a brief moment, Levi looked relieved.

* * *

The ride to his condo is spent in silence, with Levi bouncing his leg the whole ride, hands grabbing the leather seat under him so hard his knuckles were white. He had jumped once they started moving and the doors had auto-locked, Erwin had simply reached over and hit the unlock button again, making the man next to him relax further.

He was tense, and Erwin can tell he’s been on the streets for awhile. He’s alert to every sound and every movement around him. He wouldn’t put it past him to have had to dive out of a car before to escape from people intending him harm.

The thought angers him slightly, easing on the breaks at a red light, watching Levi out of the corner of his eye. There are not enough shelters in New York to house the homeless, and certainly not enough options for less fortunate people. His fingers tap the steering wheel, pressing down on the accelerator once the light had changed.

His condo is in a more upscale part of town, and the different between the middle-class and the upper is more than obvious as soon as he crosses into it. Levi only huffs, resting his elbow on the door’s armrest to stare out the window.

It only takes a few more minutes before Erwin is stopping in front of the barrier gate to the condo’s underground parking garage. Levi curls in on himself a bit more as Erwin rolls down the window, letting the cold in as he runs his resident badge under the scanner, before rolling the window back up and driving under the now-opened gate.

He cracks a smile at Levi’s indignant mumble of “fucking rich people” beside him.

 

After parking the car Erwin moves round the back to get his briefcase from the trunk while Levi looks under, arms crossed and palms rubbing the cold fabric under his fingertips in an attempt to warm himself up. He doesn’t plan to keep them out here long though, guiding Levi over to the elevator that would take them to the main floor of the condos.

“This elevator only goes up to the main floor,” he explains with a smile, as the metal doors close in front of them. “-then we’ll need to switch to the elevator in the lobby area, I live on the top floor so we have a bit of a ride ahead of us.”

Levi only nods, not a man of many words, it would seem.

Despite the way they had met it didn’t feel awkward between them, certainly Levi had already proved to be quite vulgar, but not entirely rude in his mannerisms.

When they reach the main floor Levi allows Erwin to guide him through the warm and brightly lit lobby towards the main elevators, flashing a charming smile at the elevator operator. He takes a moment then to introduce Levi to the man, telling him that Levi will be staying with him for the foreseeable future and to just send him up to Erwin’s condo even if the man is not with him.

As soon as that is cleared they board the elevator. It’s clear that Levi doesn’t use elevators frequently, if the way he still lurches a bit when they start to move up is any indicator.

“Are you alright?” He asked, watching the muscles in his throat move as he swallowed.

“I’ll get used to it.”

 

When they enter Erwin’s apartment Levi stops short, eyes wide as he looks around, immediately drawn to the windows that stretch up from the floor to the ceiling.

“Oh my god.”

“Please forgive the mess, I wasn’t expecting company.”

“Oh my fucking god.”

Levi wastes no time, kicking his shoes off by the door before bolting to the windows, getting as close to them as he could and staring out at the darkening skyline of the city. He looks awed, and Erwin watches as he brings his hand up, hesitating just a bit before pressing his palm against the window.

He takes longer, removing his shoes, removing the suit jacket he had worn that day and undoing the buttons on his cuffs,  rolling the white shirt sleeves up to his elbows and loosening the tie around his neck. Levi doesn’t move throughout all of it, even when Erwin moves across the living room to join him by the window.

“Like the view?” He asks, already knowing the answer as Levi cannot tear his gaze from it.

“It’s…” He trails off, mind searching for a word that would fit without making him seem too excited. “-pretty.”

“Yes,” He agrees, head tilted towards the younger, smiling as he watched the lights reflect in his eyes. “Yes it is.”

 

They stand in silence for awhile, with Levi drinking everything in with a childlike glee, before he catches sight of Erwin watching him. Tearing away from the window, blush turning the tips of his ears red, he gets a good look at the rest of the condo for the first time.

 _“Mess,_ you say.” And like that the happiness on his face is gone, replaced by disgust as he looks over the old take-out containers and unclean surfaces. “This is a fucking pigsty, how do you live like this?”

He’s offended, lips pursing as he surveys the living room and kitchen. “It’s not too bad.”

“Don’t you people have housekeepers or something?”  
“Well, we all have the option of having one come up-”

Levi cuts him off, raising his hand in the universal motion for “stop”. “Where are your cleaning supplies?”

“There’s some disinfectant wipes and trash bags under the sink.”

Levi throws his hands up, stalking forward towards the kitchen to start digging for things to clean with.

Erwin normally isn’t one to feel self-conscious about anything he does, but he seems to have personally offended the man on some deep level by not having actual cleaning supplies and allowing his condo to become slightly messy.

 _It’s not that bad_ , he thinks indignantly, eyeing the small pile of takeout Chinese boxes by the sofa.

Maybe it needs cleaned a little.

“Oi, bastard,”

Erwin turns his attention back to Levi, who already has a trash bag halfway full.

“-if I look in your fridge am I gonna find actual food or just whatever you need to scrape by?”

The guilty look on Erwin’s face tells him all he needs to know and he resists the urge to groan as Erwin calls for more Chinese for their dinner.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Richard you son of a bitch.” He hissed, as Elana? Eliana? Something similar to that collapsed onto her leather lounge, spilling red wine onto the white carpet below her.
> 
> As much as Levi complained about rich people, he sure is interested in their fake love lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the support!!
> 
> this chapter kinda got away from me lmao

When Levi woke up the next morning warm and clean in different clothes he at first was sure he was still dreaming. Or dead. One of the two.

Grey eyes blinked open, slowly sitting up, hands rubbed at sleep crusted eyes as he squinted through the morning light. He’s inside somewhere, that much is clear, but it takes a bit more for his sleep-addled mind to remind him of yesterday’s events.

He inhaled quickly, eyes going wide as he remembered what he had done. His hands fisted the blankets, threatening to rip at the expensive fabric as he looked down at himself. His clothes were in the wash, with his binder on a hanger in an otherwise empty closet. The clothes he was wearing currently did not belong to him, but to the owner of the condo, his _generous_ host; Officer Smith.

And like that, he flopped back in bed, staring up towards the slowly rotating ceiling fan above him.

Officer Erwin Smith, an assumed unattainable goal. Levi had been watching him for some time now, memorizing his schedule, looking up his accomplishments on the computer in the public library.

An extremely caring but commandeering man, quickly having risen to the head of the SVU department in New York, he had been a perfect match for Levi’s needs. So, he had done what he did best; stuck to the shadows and watched.

It had been easy to memorize his schedule: arrive at work at exactly 7:00 am, stay until anywhere from 5:00 to 5:30 pm, walk to the coffee house, stay for about 15-20 minutes, and then head to the car.

His routine was set in stone, something Levi could appreciate. It made it easier, after all.

“Officer Smith is a dedicated, hard-worker,” every newspaper article he had pulled up had informed him. “With endless passion and drive.”

What a load of shit.

That’s what he had thought, anyways.

The first time he had seen Officer Smith was on a Saturday, when across the street from the convenience store Levi had been loitering outside of, he stopped to give money to a beggar. This man, this rich, handsome man, had pulled out a crisp 50 and handed it to him with a firm pat on the shoulder before walking away while the beggar shouted his thanks behind him.

 _What a man_ , he had thought, tearing his eyes away from him to focus on lighting his cigarette.

He wouldn’t call it stalking, it was only natural to want to know about someone you were going to try to live with for 4 months. Knowing every part of his day was just part of that, right?

It was stalking.

But it had paid off in the end, with body language and foul talk and a threat of putting himself in trouble, it had worked. And now he was laying in the guest bedroom of Officer fucking Smith’s condo, in his clothes. His very large clothes.

Levi’s toes curl as he moves to sit up again, finally stretching out his sore body and listening with satisfaction to the popping of his back.

The clock on the nightstand reveals the time to be 10:33 am, and he has half a mind to go back to sleep. But, Erwin had mentioned taking him shopping for clothes and other necessities once he got back from work. So he drags himself out of bed and down the hall, past the linen closet and the closed door to Erwin’s room to the laundry room at the end of it.

He’d go through Erwin’s stuff later.

He hadn’t seen a working washer and dryer in awhile, even longer since he had the chance to use one. The disadvantage to having on set of clothes. But, like Erwin had promised, his clothes were clean and waiting for him in the dryer when he got to them. Grabbing the bundle of clothes, he doubled back through the same hallway he had just come from, swiftly entering ‘his’ room and kicking the door shut behind him.

Dumping the pile onto the bed, he headed over to the closet, carefully taking out his binder. It was, by far, his most important possession. He had managed to order this one while staying with someone last winter, and it was nearing the end of it’s time. Rips and other holes decorated the shoulder straps and just the thought of it breaking without a replacement on the way made him feel nervous. Hopefully he could probably convince officer goody two-shoes to order him a new one.

Taking a deep breath he slowly pulled off Erwin’s oversized shirt, letting it drop to the floor with a soft ‘plop’. Next off were the shrunken pair of boxers that Erwin swore up and down he hadn’t used in years. He shimmied out of them and lets them drop around his ankles, kicking them off to join the shirt in it’s spot on the floor before he grabs for the binder again.

He pulled the tight fabric up and over his head with practiced ease, squirming and tugging the material down over his chest from where it had bunched up under his armpits. Huffing, he pushed his hand under the spandex, readjusting his breasts under the tight fabric until they sat more comfortably before smoothing the material out, satisfied.

He’s distractedly briefly by the full-size mirror in the closet, and he doesn’t fight the scowl that appears on his face as he stares at himself. Jerking away from it, he stepped towards the bed once more, yanking on his clothes.

* * *

Erwin had a lot of paperwork, from his study a few rooms over and even spanning to his bedroom. Documents and old copies of case files littered the room, books stacked haphazardly on the desk and nightstands. Levi could feel his lip twitch as he stared at the mess of a room that belonged to the supposed ‘perfect’ cop.

_Perfect my ass._

His fingers itch to start cleaning, but he doesn’t know where the books go or what to do with the paperwork and really how would he explain that to Erwin? ‘Sorry I cleaned your room cause I was going through your private shit and got disgusted by the man-cave you had made out of your bedroom?’ Yeah that’d go over great.

So he powers through it, ignoring _god_ -only-knows-how-old chip bags as he digs through the nightstands. It all seemed average so far, pens and extra deoderant and-- size XL condoms.

He slams the nightstand drawer shut, jerking away like it had burned him. A bright red blush broke out on his face as he turned on his heels and darted out of the room, practically slamming Erwin’s bedroom door shut behind him in his haste to get out, rattling nearby picture frames on the wall.

Yes, he had offered to sleep with him to stay here but he hadn’t expected to see… He wasn’t a virgin, at least, he didn’t consider himself one. He knew about the ‘birds and the bees’ as people liked to call it, stick object a into slot b and sometimes slot c or d and move on with your life.

He talked big but, in all honesty, the farthest he had ever really gone was blowjobs. He didn’t like to be touched by lots of people and a simple lie of ‘I’m not clean’ normally scared any potential partners off.

The man he had stayed with last winter had wanted to at first, but after he found out Levi’s age he had backed off entirely. No one wanted to be caught having sex with a 16-almost-17 year old.

‘Would Erwin be any different’ he wondered, slumping against his bedroom door. Erwin had taken him in and hadn’t even made a move on him yet, so he was either waiting or really trying to do this out of the kindness of his heart. Or maybe he thought Levi was 18, he was smoking when he saw him--

There were too many possibilities for him to consider so he pushed it out of his mind, shaking his head before pushing up off the door to head towards the kitchen.

Making a list of what he would need would distract him, he decided, scrounging around till he found a notepad and pen. It would definitely distract him from how big the blonde’s cock must be and what it would feel like pushing inside him and--

He had to stop himself from throwing the pen when he realized he had written cock instead of cook.

 

By 12:00 He is utterly bored.

By 12:13 He finds the remote control to the tv.

* * *

 When Erwin returns home that night he finds Levi’s eyes glued to the tv, body wrapped around a pillow with a blanket draped over his shoulders, watching the dramatic meltdown of an heiress and her cheating husband.

“Levi?”  
_“Shhhh.”_

With a faint smile, Erwin leaves him be, heading to his bedroom to change into more casual clothes for their upcoming trip to the store. Faintly he can hear the sobbing woman cursing her husband’s name through the walls.

When he makes his way back into the main room, Levi is digging his nails into the pillow and gritting his teeth, entirely focused on the screen in front of him.

“Richard you son of a bitch.” He hissed, as Elana? Eliana? Something similar to that collapsed onto her leather lounge, spilling red wine onto the white carpet below her.

As much as Levi complained about rich people, he sure is interested in their fake love lives.

It takes another half hour for the show to end and Levi to finally acknowledge Erwin’s presence, greeting him with a soft “oh hey”. So innocent compared to what he had said yesterday.

Erwin couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face, already captivated by the young man he had known less than a whole 24 hours.

“Ready to go?”  
“Let me get my list.”  
“List?”

 

2 and half hours and 2 different stores later they were back at the condo, with Erwin watching Levi flutter around the kitchen like he owned the place. He had tried to help at first but Levi had merely shooed him away.

 

Levi on the other hand was feeling extremely satisfied with himself, he had gotten his hands on cleaning supplies and actual food to fill the fridge with instead of the depressing mustard and ketchup bottles which had been its sole inhabitants beforehand.

He hummed as he put stuff away, something told him that Erwin knew jack shit about cooking, so it’d be most likely that Levi would be the one digging around in the fridge the most.

“You don’t have to cook or clean, you know.”

It was Erwin’s voice behind him that made him halt, movements slowing to a stop before picking right back up again as he started to put the last of it away.

“Think of it as... another way of paying rent.”

“I’m not going to make you do anything for me, Levi, you can stay here as long as you need.”

What he was holding almost slipped from his fingers, eyes widening. He was more thankful now than ever that his back was to Erwin’s face, because he knows his face is heating up and he hates it. He hasn’t asked anything of him, hasn’t tried to initiate anything sexual either.

He thinks back to the beggar, to the newspaper articles.

His shoulder scrunch up and he reaches back, rubbing at the un-trimmed fluff of his undercut, god he needs a haircut.

What a man, he thinks.

“What do you want for dinner?”

“Whatever you want is fine by me.”

He can hear the smile in his voice, and he spares a glance over his shoulder as he hears him turn to walk away towards the living room area. He handled that well.

 

He doesn’t know that the red tips of his ears had given him away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi can feel his gaze on him, can feel the intensity of the stare as it drills into the back of him. He tries his best to ignore it, tries to ignore Officer Smith and how handsome he is, tries to ignore condoms and lips and cocks. He tries to ignore all of it.
> 
> He fails spectacularly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this took so long have some porn  
> i have a cold and im dying  
> un-beta'd

The sound of rubber slapping against skin is what makes Erwin look up from the case files he was reading. He watches with interest as Levi finishes adjusting the gloves to his liking, narrowed grey eyes scanning the expanse of the kitchen and living room. Levi adjusts the bandanna over his mouth before getting to work, armed with trash bags and a duster.

Levi is aggressive with most things, his interactions with others, his propositions, and how he works, but it all seems to pale in comparison to how viciously he goes about cleaning Erwin’s condos to get it up to “livable fucking standards.”

He does his best not to stare, watching with barely concealed interest as Levi burns through trash bags, cleaning up old take-out containers and bits of clutter that he had held onto for no particular reason.

With the trash picked up, he settles into deep cleaning, breaking out the mop and floor polish for the hardwood that he had _insisted_ Erwin get while they were shopping last night. Forcing his gaze away from the younger, he focuses on the documents again with renewed resolve. He will give Levi all the space he needs to get what he wants done.

Aside from Erwin’s bedroom, the kitchen and living room are the worst of the condo, showing clearly Erwin’s love of take-out and potato chips. He will not miss the obnoxious little bags littering the floor.

He is thankful when Erwin looks back down towards his work, letting him clean in peace. Mopping is a welcome respite from the images of the condoms sitting in his nightstand that had plagued him since he had discovered them. His embarrassment had only worsened when he remember reading somewhere that, supposedly, the tip of a man’s cock was the same color as his lips.

Biting his lip and tightening his grip on the mop, he tries and fails to clear his head while furiously scrubbing the floor.

When he is satisfied with the state of the floor, the dirty water is dumped into the shower and the granite counter tops are scrubbed.

He is distracted, again, although with Levi around he doesn’t seem to need much, willingly looking from the boring lines of text to watch the little raven flutter around the rooms. He watches Levi drag his finger on the underside of the bookshelves, scowling at the fine layer of dust that stains his gloved fingers.

Maybe the condo needed cleaned a little bit.

Just a little bit.

Levi doesn’t go for the duster first, instead he shoots a glance towards where Erwin is sitting on the couch. “Where’s your vacuum?”

“In the closet in the hall, first door on the left.”

All hopes of concentration vanish as the vacuum roars to life beside him, running across the carpet.

He honestly can’t remember the last time he used the thing.

The blonde watches with unconcealed fondness as Levi vacuums, the later doing everything in his power to ignore the happy old-man look on his face. He huffs as he lightly pushes the front of the vacuum against Erwin’s shoes, with a demand of “move”.

He can’t help but grin at the look on Levi’s face as he does what was asked, raising his feet off the floor for Levi to run the vacuum under them before moving on to finish the rest of the carpet.

The carpet is finished and Levi is quick to put the vacuum back in its spot in the closet, heading back to the living room to finally get the duster and rid the furniture of the dust it’s accumulated.

The case files are non-existent in Erwin’s mind, currently dropped on the coffee table in front of him as he watches Levi dust.

It’s adorable, really, how focused he is in this, he doesn’t think he could be any cuter if he tried. Levi seems to love proving him wrong. He isn’t sure if his heart stops or jumps up into his throat at the site of Levi straining upwards on the tips of his toes to get a higher spot, exposing some of the soft, pale skin of his stomach.

He’s infatuated with him.

Responsibilities no longer exist to him, the center of his world as of now is the man currently staying with him.

Levi can feel his gaze on him, can feel the intensity of the stare as it drills into the back of him. He tries his best to ignore it, tries to ignore Officer Smith and how handsome he is, tries to ignore condoms and lips and _cocks_. He tries to ignore all of it.

He fails spectacularly.

The tips of his ears turn red, trying to ensure Erwin cannot see the color dusting his cheeks as he finally finishes dusting the room. Were the situation any different, he would stop then, to reward himself and admire the process he had made. But as of now his mind is focused on something else entirely, like lips, and cocks, and blowjobs.

He makes up his mind then, if he is doing this he is going to tease this man half to death first. So he moves in front of him, with only the small coffee table separating them before he ‘drops’ his duster.

“Oops.” He purrs, catching the way Erwin’s back straights in the corner of his eye. “I’m not usually so clumsy…”

And he turns on his heel and bends at the waist, reaching down to pick up the duster as slowly as he can, swaying his ass back and forth in front of him.

He can hear Erwin’s inhale behind him as he picks up the duster, standing back up again before moving around the coffee table to stand in front of him, occupying the space between his spread legs.

Erwin’s eyes go to his immediately, carrying an intensity he has yet to see. It simultaneously frightens and excites him.

“I could feel you watching my ass, you pervert.” He huffs, flicking the feathers of the duster across Erwin’s nose, taking off the rubber gloves he had been wearing to clean and dropping them on the coffee table behind him.

He watches as his nose scrunches up a bit, eyes moving further down to his face, gaze resting on his lips. God his lips.

All he can think about is cocks now, cocks and Erwin Smith and Erwin’s _cock_ which is right there he could touch it now if he wanted to.

God does he want to.

Taking a deep breath he drops to his knees between the man’s thighs, fingers lightly resting on the muscle of his legs before he pours as much syrupy seduction as he can into his voice.

“Why don’t I clean something else?”

Thick fingers weave through his hair as Erwin relaxes further into the couch, spreading his legs wider to give Levi more room to work. He licks his lips as nimble fingers move to the button on Erwin’s jeans, deftly undoing the button and yanking down the zipper.

He doesn’t hesitate from then on, eagerly pulling out the blonde’s cock and-- oh God.

His mouth waters at the sight, eyes going wide. That wasn’t a dick that was a 3rd fucking leg hiding in his pants. Clearly the true hero was the zipper of his pants that held this thing back on a daily basis.

“Oh my God.” He finally said, fire coursing through his veins, settling in the pit of his stomach and sinking further between his legs. Even half-erect he was large. He had figured with his size yeah of course the man would have a big cock, but even finding XL-condoms had not prepared him for this.

He almost whines, eyes moving up to where Erwin was staring down at him, watching his movements with keen interest.

Steeling his resolve he leans forward, letting out a breath of warm air on the tip of his cock. The reaction is instant, fingers grip his hair harder and Erwin twitches under him. He has this man exactly where he wants him.

A few loose strokes is enough to get him hard entirely, and Levi wastes no time wrapping his thin lips around the tip of his cock and running his tongue under the head. Erwin is bigger than what he’s taken in the past, but he is determined to adjust. So he eases himself onto it, licking and sucking him deeper with renewed vigor.

The sight under him is orgasmic enough, with Levi’s head bobbing up and down on his cock as he licks and sucks at him, but coupled with the feelings and he wants to blow almost as soon as it starts.

He starts to pant like that, hand shaking in Levi’s hair as Levi drags his tongue up the side of his shaft, cupping his balls and stroking the base of his cock before fitting his pretty lips around the tip and taking Erwin down into his throat.

It’s thick and hot and sits in him just right, he can feel the heated tip pressing up against his throat, mindful of his teeth as he pulls off before taking it back down.

He wants it, he wants it inside of him in any way he can have it. It occurs to him then, a stray tear dripping down his cheek from the strain, that this is what it will feel like inside of him. It’ll feel hot and thick and too big to fit and it’ll fill him so completely and his eyes roll back and he _moans_.

The vibrations around his cock is what pushes him over, with the sweet sound of Levi’s choked moan echoing in his ears and the tight wet fit of his mouth around him he comes, shooting his load down the others throat with a low groan of pleasure.

There is no warning aside from the jerk of his cock he can feel against his tongue before hot cum is sliding down his throat. He chokes at that, quickly pulling off of the larger man’s cock to gasp for air, head tilting back with teary eyes to swallow his load.

His jaw aches and he just choked on cum but it’s worth it, it is so fucking worth it he decides, looking up at Erwin, mouth hanging open slightly. His legs are trembling, his desire leaving a wet spot in his briefs. He’s wet and he’s needy and he wants Erwin to touch him more than he wants to breath.

The hand in his hair slowly moves down, gently cupping his face and shutting his mouth. Erwin looks to be in rapture, looking down at him like a sinner who had just discovered the church. His thumb rubs little circles on his cheek, and it comes out without thinking.

“Daddy…” It’s the softest sound, but it reveals more about Levi than Erwin had yet to uncover, thumb faltering in his pattern before he takes a deep breath,

His voice is deep, masculine, it sends shivers running through him. “Come here boy.”

Levi is quick to scramble up into his lap, undoing the button and zipper of his jeans to yank them off onto the floor before he is seated there, pressed up against Erwin’s broad chest, heart hammering so loud the whole world might as well have heard it.

“You’ve been such a good boy for Daddy.”

And Levi moans, squirming and grinding against anything he can, trembling under Erwin’s touch. One hand on his hip, the other moves down lower, pressing up against his clit through the fabric of his briefs and rubbing, making him squirm and whine.

“Daddy,” Levi repeats, voice cracking as Erwin rubs little circles on his sensitive flesh.

It doesn’t take much for Levi to fall apart, with Erwin practically yanking his briefs down around his milky thighs to press up and rub against his little clit. He begs for it, begs for Erwin to penetrate him, to finger him or split him open on his cock. Erwin silences his pleads with a quick kiss to his forehead, promising to do it on another day.

Somewhere in the midst of it Erwin gets hard again, and Levi is quick to wrap a hand around his cock, jerking him off as Levi’s toes curl and he comes, back arching as he cries out and spasms through his orgasm. Erwin doesn’t stop teasing his clit until Levi is on the verge of crying in over-stimulation, body shaking almost violently with the force of it.

With his legs shaking he slides out of Erwin’s lap onto the floor again, dropping to his knees and wrapping his lips around the tip of Erwin’s heavy cock once more, jerking him off until he comes again. Levi swallows it as he had before, on the verge of collapsing between his thighs.

They both need to calm down, and it takes awhile for them to come back to themselves. In all of his years, Erwin cannot remember a time where he had come like that before, and it was all thanks to the little brunette sitting dazed on the floor in front of him.

Shaking his head to clear it, his brow furrows in concern. Tucking his dick back into his pants, he reaches out to pull Levi up into his lap, brushing sweaty bangs out of his face.

“Levi?”  
“Mmm…”

“Are you alright?”  
“M’ tired…”

That’s understandable, he spent all that time cleaning and then taking care of Erwin.

“Would you like me to take you to bed?”  
“No,” Levi swallows, he shouldn’t be staying like this, curled up against Erwin. He should go before he starts to get too attached. He’s leaving after the winter, he has to remember that. “-I wanna stay here.”

Erwin just nods, getting comfortable on the couch and turning on the t.v, watching whatever was on as Levi passed out in his arms.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Levi can do is turn towards him, waving the pan a bit with a helpless sort of ‘why’ look on his face.  
> Erwin for the most part looks properly shunned, rubbing at the back of his neck and looking at anything but Levi’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this took so long  
> there was holidays and birthdays and time got away from me
> 
> beta'd by my gf <3

He comes to slowly, world slowly reasserting itself around him as his conscious woke up. His limbs were heavy and his neck ached from the awkward position he had kept while sleeping. But he is warm and the couch is soft. He doesn’t feel Erwin next to him anymore, eyes still heavy with sleep and unwilling to open. So instead he revels in the soft darkness, lulled by static and background noise, curling deeper into the soft thing-a blanket, maybe?-covering him.

He’s just on the verge of falling back asleep when two things happen very quickly: he smells something burning, and then the smoke detector goes off.

Grey eyes burst open, lurching forward and almost falling off the couch in the process. His head is quick to whip around, blankets already half off and ready to sprint towards the kitchen, panic alight in his nerves. Instead of a full blown fire like mind had already supplied as the reason, what he sees instead is the great officer, Erwin Smith, head of New York’s SVU, trying to drown a blackened, charred mess in the sink.

“What the fuck.” Eyes wide, dumbfounded shock on his face.

“Levi!” Officer Idiot is quick to turn to him, trying to hide what used to be a frying pan behind his back, grinning sheepishly at him, grin turning to a wince when the smoke alarm continued its screaming.

Levi winced as well, glaring daggers at the object on the wall as it let out another shrill beep.

“Turn that shit off before I break it.” He growled, hopping over the back of the couch.

Erwin, a questionably intelligent man, can recognize danger when it presents itself. He drops the pan in the sink, leaving the cold water from the tap running over it before quickly heading over to the smoke detector, giving Levi a wide berth to go deal with the mess in the kitchen.

The smaller man almost wants to cry when the shrill beeping stops, ears ringing and head pounding as he peered into the sink basin. He wonders if it would be over-dramatic to mourn a pan, because it most certainly did not go down easy. Whatever it was Erwin had attempted to ‘ _cook_ ’ had been completely nuked on the stove. He wasn’t even sure how someone could fuck up _that_ badly.

He turns the water off, grabbing the handle of the pan and holding it up to take a better look at it. He’s still examining it when Erwin returns, standing awkwardly behind him. All Levi can do is turn towards him, waving the pan a bit with a helpless sort of _‘why_ ’ look on his face.

Erwin for the most part looks properly shunned, rubbing at the back of his neck and looking at anything but Levi’s face.

“I was trying to cook eggs.”

“What did the pan _do_.”

“I got distracted-”

“This,” Levi interrupts, holding up the pan higher. “-is not a distraction. This is cold blooded cookware _murder.”_

Erwin opens his mouth but quickly shuts it again as Levi continues, the raven rolling his eyes as he started to ramble.

“I’ve never felt the need to apologize to a frying pan before, but this?” He waves the pan around again. “This did not deserve what you did to it. You were beating a dead horse when you did this what the fuck. I feel like we need to hold a funeral in memory of this pan.”

A smile pulls at his lips, relaxing as Levi gets more animated, continuing on his rant about the rights of cookware.

“I’d suggest cremating it but _clearly_ you’ve already tried that-- wipe that shitty grin off your face this is serious what the hell you gigantic, blonde, dumbass.”

But he can’t, eyes shining with mirth as Levi glares up at him, hand on his hip, frying pan twirling in the other. There is a moment of silence between them, with Levi’s glare narrowing further and Erwin’s grin stretching wider before Levi breaks, letting out a long-suffering sigh of a martyr before telling Erwin to get him extra white rice.

Erwin is quick to obey, turning on his heel to head for the house phone.

* * *

 Which is how they find themselves again sat at the couch in front of the t.v, eating Chinese for the 2nd time in three days.

Levi has once again claimed control of the remote. He jumps from channel to channel, eyes glued to the screen as he switches from Thanksgiving specials to romantic comedies before finally settling on a soap opera. Erwin personally isn’t interested in them, but he is interested in the way Levi looks while watching them. They capture his interest entirely and it is rather… _cute_ to watch him bite his lip and cling to a pillow while staring down the woman’s unfaithful husband.

Even now he is distracted, tea sitting idle on the coffee table and container of rice in his hand sitting untouched for the past few minutes.

Levi’s only been with him for a few days, but every minute with him had proven to be an adventure. He was vulgar, irritable, and entirely charming, but he has walls. He knows that. Levi is familiar to him in ways that perhaps only someone in his line of work would be able to see; he’s a victim. Although, Levi seems the type to hate being called that.

He is young and guarded, and although when comfortable he can relax, he can see the way his muscles remain tense, fight or flight instincts one wrong step away from roaring to life. It makes him curious, more than he was before. He wants to know more about him, about why he is on the streets. Was he in an orphanage? Did his parents kick him out for his identity? There were too many possibilities and too little shown clues to guess.

Which means he’d have to get answers straight from the source.

But now it’s still too soon, Levi is still too flighty, digging would make him pull away.

Another time, then.

 

They eat in relative silence, with Levi making colorful commentary on the show every once in awhile. Erwin is content to watch him and the t.v, smiling brightly whenever the tiny man next to him speaks.

He had missed this, he realized, having someone waiting for you to come home to. He looks down at the half-empty container of takeout in his hands, twirling his fork idly. Levi has been a breath of fresh air to him, the fact that he was so willing to take care of the place was just an added bonus. Time will fly past with Levi taking up the empty space and filling the condo with the life it had seemed to lack before him.

Time, he realizes. That’s right, this is just going to be temporary. How could he have forgotten so quickly? Levi is here with him because it is convenient and safe. As soon as it is warm out again, he’ll be gone before Erwin can even say goodbye.

 _Unless_ , he thinks-- no, _hopes._

 _Unless_ , he hopes, looking back towards the other man, he can change his mind.

 

It’s late when the t.v is finally switched off, cups are placed in the sink and rinsed to make for an easy clean tomorrow and the takeout containers are either put in the fridge or the bin (along with the poor, poor frying pan) depending on what was left in them. Levi, true to his request, had devoured two containers of rice on his own, dueling Erwin’s fork away when he cheekily went to get a bite.

It’s easy, and despite their time knowing each other, they seem to have clicked, routines melding together perfectly. Truly, Levi is thankful that he is staying with him instead of anyone else. No one else would be able to compare to Erwin after this, he muses. Sexually or living-wise, Erwin is the perfect amount of give and pull for him to work with. Despite his shortcomings, especially in the cooking department.

He entertains the thought, standing alone in the kitchen as Erwin turns off the lights in the living room, of staying here past the winter. Past when snow would melt and the holiday cheer would die, past summer and it’s sticky-sweaty heat. All the way past winter next year, forever.

But there is no forever for people like him.

He scowls then, flicking the lights in the kitchen off with more force than necessary. Developing a crush on someone he would be living with for the foreseeable future was not ideal, especially when sex was on the table. This was only going to end badly.

He could not allow himself to hope.

He waits for him though, waiting in the hallway for Erwin to join him before walking down towards their rooms together. It’s silent and it’s comfortable, and Levi feels no need to break the silence.

Erwin’s room is on the right, just a few steps before his on the left. But just as he is about to walk past, Erwin clears his throat.

He turns towards him, smoothly, almost as if his body had been waiting for him to speak.

“Levi,” His voice is deeper, more sensual in the lateness of the night. He has to fight to repress a shiver.

“I wanted to thank you.”

_Thank me?_

“For what?” His brow furrows, confusion evident on his face, suspicion lying in the depths of his bones.

“For…” _Everything. Being here. Keeping me company._ “Trusting me.”

He cannot stop the slight inhale, eyes widening just a bit before he crushes it, slipping back into the blank mask, giving a slight nod before turning to take the few steps to the door.

“Thanks for… having me.”

He looks over his shoulder then, mask crumbling away as heat floods his face, immediately regretting doing so.

Because Erwin is not just watching him go, he is smiling fondness evident in the light of his eyes and the slight wrinkle near the corners of his eyes. It is not a smile for strangers, it is a smile for old friends and dear lovers, of pure affection and it sweeps him off his feet in an instant.

His heart speeds up in his chest and he jerks away, hands trembling on the doorknob as he twists it open.

“Sentimental old bastard.” He hisses, no real venom in his tone before he darts into his room, shutting it harder than intended in his haste.

Erwin is unaffected, if anything his smile gets wider, unknown to the raven as he enters his own room, shutting the door with a soft click.

Levi strains for sound, ear pressed up against the door relaxing only once the click reaches his ears. The tense leaves his body and he goes limp, sliding down the door to sit at the foot of it, pulling his knees up to his chest and staring across the room towards the open closet.

_‘Fuck.’_

His heart feels like it’s going to burst, running a mile a minute in his chest.

His arms wrap around himself tight, curling in on himself.

 _‘Fuck’_ he thinks again, squeezing his eyes shut to try and wipe the image of that smile from his brain. Darkness provides no respite, only bringing the image back more clearer than when his eyes were open.

“Fuck.” He whispers, voice cracking and forehead dropping to rest on his knees, ticking of the clock echoing throughout the silent room.

It felt as if hours had passed before he could pick himself up off the floor to get ready for bed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wants to run, it’s what he does best, run away from anything he can’t control.
> 
> Wants to run away from that other half of him that wants to let this fire consume him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im really bad about updating on a regular schedule and i apologize for that  
> this chapter kinda got away from me lmao
> 
> tl;dr: levi's gay

Time passes by in a blur anymore, Erwin’s previous routine scrambled with the addition of Levi in his life. He can’t bring himself to care about it, he prefers it this way, even. With Levi, every day is different. There is no more of the repetition, of coming home from work to a cold, empty home to eat more fast food.

When he comes home Levi is waiting for him with snarky remarks and dinner cooked and waiting for him. He almost feels like a husband coming home to their spouse, and the thought simultaneously amuses him and twists something deeper inside of him.

It only feels like seconds have passed before Levi has suddenly been staying with him for almost a month now, taking up space in his empty home and filling it with something he had wanted without knowing he needed it.

Work kept him busy, too busy for cleaning, too busy for cooking, too busy for friends and family. He was fine that way, at least, fine with spending holidays in his office at home or at the precinct taking care of paperwork after paperwork. He passes on after work drinks with his co-workers, politely declines any hints of a romantic evening with someone.

And then Levi had shown up, filth spewing from his wind chapped lips and a dusted red face from the cold and pushed all of his priorities aside and inserted himself fully onto the top of Erwin’s list. Truthfully, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thanksgiving is spent at home, for the first time in years-ever since he broke off his relationship with Marie-eating cold turkey and watching _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_ with Levi at his side finishing up a whole store-bought pumpkin pie by himself and eyeing Erwin’s own pie as soon as the last bit of pumpkin filling was licked off his fingers. He willingly split the pie, taking his half and watching in amusement as Levi covered his half in more whipped cream, digging into it with an almost feral glint in his eyes.

They get closed in that time, with the space between them on the couch growing smaller and smaller until their legs are pressed up against each other’s when they watch t.v. Levi is still just as invested in soap operas and has taken to bitching about them to Erwin on several occasions. Erwin finds it endearing.

On rare nights, he’ll be able to convince Levi to watch a movie with him. Levi will soldier through it, even when his eyes start to get heavy he’ll sit resolutely to watch all of it, commenting on stupid things the characters have done before slowly his head will come to rest against Erwin’s bicep and he will fall asleep on him. The first time it had happened he had frozen, eyes wide as he stared down at the man asleep pressed up against him. He hadn’t wanted to move him, Levi had looked so at peace like that, so they both slept on the couch; much to the displeasure of his aching back.

When they woke up the next morning Levi had called him an idiot while rubbing sleep from his eyes and stretching out sore muscles. Erwin had just smiled trying to massage out the kink in his neck. Work had been hell that day, he recalled, with only pain killers keeping him going. Still, he didn’t regret it.

He presses carefully, pushing for bits and pieces of information and then relenting when he figures Levi may be getting nervous. For the most part, he lets the younger man reveal himself to him. From the way he watches the goings-on and even down to the precision and skill he moves his fingers with when fiddling with something.

From what he can tell so far, Levi has been on the streets a very long time, undoubtedly with an absent father figure if he had a home for long beforehand. He tenses at sounds that are too loud and slinks around more quietly than most people are capable of.

Despite all of this, Levi will still slide up next to him on the couch, seeking the feeling of his body pressed up against his. He’s most likely gone a long time without a gentle hand to hold him.

The thought makes his chest ache.

It boils over one sunday evening, as he sips at his coffee and flips through the newspaper from that morning. Levi is at his side again on the couch, legs pulled up onto the couch and crossed as he holds his tea in his hand, watching the liquid swirl around in the mug. He is pressing a bit, asking small questions about Levi’s day and if he had any family helping him before staying with him.

“Not any family that I know of,” Levi’s gaze doesn’t stray from his tea; tone somber. “I’ve been alone ever since my mother died.”

Such a private piece of information given so freely has his breath caught in his throat, quickly swallowing to offer his condolences. Levi merely shrugs in response, swallowing around a knot rising in his throat.

“You want to know, don’t you? About me?”

“If…” He hesitates then, being too eager might scare him off. “If you’re willing to share your past with me, I would like to hear about it.”

He can see Levi’s lips twitch up into a brief smile as he relaxes back against the couch.

“So fucking polite all the damn time…”

It’s silent then, with Erwin waiting patiently and Levi trying to figure out where to start.

“Well, I don’t remember much about where I lived. We moved around alot, I think, but I do remember my mom. She was…” He trails off with a shaky breath, fingers clasping his cup tighter.

“She was a good mother. We didn’t have much but she tried, took care of me over her, skipping meals so I could eat the whole nine fucking yards. But, she… she got sick one winter.”

Levi is not one to cry, especially not openly. Erwin will pretend he doesn’t see the water trying to build in his eyes.

“She died when I was about… 9? I think, the years blurred together a lot. I didn’t have any family I knew of so I tried homeless shelters and they tried to send me to a fucking orphanage.” He stops again, taking a moment to sip at his tea, trying to regain control of himself.

“I avoided shelters after that, just made do with what I could get my hands on. I got into trouble, started fights, got arrested once when I was older and that was fine, I guess. It wasn’t an issue until it was freezing out and none of the shelters wanted to take me because I was a ‘problem starter’ so I did what I had to do. A blowjob in exchange for not fucking freezing to death isn’t that bad.” He almost tries to laugh at the last part, but the humor doesn’t reach his eyes. He is shaking next to him, and more than anything Erwin wants to reach out and hold him, to pull him close and promise him that it will all be okay.

“I was almost 15 then. My birthday’s in december so it was easy enough to lie. That was the year I got my first binder.” And his eyes light up at that, fingers twitching and tapping against his cup. “I had never felt so fucking happy over an expensive ass piece of clothing in my life.”

He trails off and Erwin clears his throat softly, catching his attention. “How long had you known that you were trans?”

Simple, to the point, and hopefully non-offensive. Levi eyes him for a moment, trying to look for any other motives before seeing only genuine curiosity in him.

“Awhile.” He answers firmly, stopping to take another drink of his tea. “It didn’t feel right, puberty or being called she or-” He scowls then, expression twisted unhappily as he thought back on it all. “These things-” He glances down towards his chest “-are fucking annoying, and bleeding out of my fucking cunt every month definitely didn’t make things easier.”

Any building rage is expelled with a harsh sigh, hands practically strangling the poor cup from his grip on it.

Erwin takes a moment to think it all over, newspaper folded and abandoned on the armrest to his left. He takes a drink of his coffee then, setting the mug down on the coffee table with a soft ‘clnk’ before shifting to face Levi more.

“Levi.”

The raven turned to face him, eyes briefly widening at the sudden closeness, the very atmosphere shifting in the room as he tried to school his face back into a neutral expression.

Large hands wrap around his own and any control Levi might have reclaimed disappears face flushing the smallest amount of red before looking into Erwin’s eyes and freezing. Their gazes meet and the emotion on the blonde’s face overwhelms him, a tidal wave of feelings consuming him.

“Thank you,” He begins. “For telling me.”

He takes a deep breath, briefly closing his eyes as his mind raced to put together what he wanted to say.

“You haven’t been here long, and I know that you must have very few reasons to trust the people around you, but I want you to know you will _always_ have a home here if you so happen to need or want it. The room you have now is yours until the day you decide you don’t want it anymore.”

Levi’s breath catches in his throat, eyes wide and he feels _bare_. There is nothing he can hide from this man in front of him. He hopes Erwin can’t feel the way his fingers tremble.

He swallows harshly and it takes everything in him to tear his gaze away from Erwin’s, takes even more to not focus on the warmth of his hands and how right it feels to have them covering his own.

Erwin pulls away from him first, warm smile still in place as Levi’s cheeks burn red, curling in on himself more.

“I-” He wants to run, it’s what he does best, run away from anything he can’t control.

Wants to run away from that other half of him that wants to let this fire consume him.

“Thanks.” He finishes weakly. “I’m gonna-- shower.”

And like that he is gone, leaving his half-drunk tea abandoned on the coffee table. Just as he is about to disappear into the hallway he stops and turns on his heel. His mind races for anything to say as he stares back at Erwin who _still_ has that infuriatingly _loving_ smile on his face. Instead he blushes more and mutters “Yeah.” Before turning tail and fleeing to the bathroom.

* * *

He wants to die. Wants to physically curl up on the floor and let his soul leave his body. He is still standing in the shower, hot water tinting his pale skin red. He had scrubbed himself down, made sure he was clean to his standards before realizing with numb horror that he had not replaced the towels in the bathroom after washing them all. Meaning that the only towels now we're in the linen closet in the hallway, or in the dryer waiting to be put away.

In his haste to get away, he had thought to grab neither them, nor a change of clothes. He would rather die than put on dirty clothes from before, which leaves one option; Erwin.

Erwin, who he can tell is still awake by the faint sound of the sink running in the kitchen. Erwin who makes his heart flutter and speed up, Erwin who held his hands earlier and smiled at him like he had hung the very stars in the night sky.

Fucking Erwin.

Out of all the things he could have ended today with, this was quite possibly one of the worst.

He debates banging his head against the wall but he runs the risk of knocking himself out if he did it too hard, Erwin having to give him cpr while he was naked in the shower was definitely not on the list of things he ever wanted to have happen. Ever.

Except for if he was conscious maybe but-- He stops that line of thought immediately, clenching the muscles in his abdomen to ignore the sparks of desire that kindled within him at the thought. Erwin naked in the shower with... water sliding down his muscles and--

He wants to scream.

This would stand to be one of the very few times he had been thankful he didn’t have a dick.

He can’t put this off forever, already having entertained the thought of hiding in the bathroom till Erwin went to bed only to remember that Erwin would surely want to shower too.

‘God hates me.’ He decides, finally turning off the water and stepping out of the shower onto the bathmat. The room is warm with steam and for that he is thankful, he is even more thankful when the mirror is too fogged over for him to see himself in it.

Hesitantly he reaches out to unlock the door, cracking it open and biting back a hiss at the rush of the cool hallway air.

He debates making a run for the linen closet and yanking out a towel, but that is too much of a risk for him to take.

“Erwin?” His pride is wounded, his ass is naked, he just wants a towel.

“Yes?” The sink in the kitchen is turned off, letting him focus better on Levi.

“Could you-” He cuts himself off to mumble ‘fuck’ before raising his voice again. “I forgot a towel.”

He doesn’t see the smile that takes over his face as Erwin pulls away from the sink shaking droplets of water off his hands back into the sink.

“I’ll get you one.”

Rationally he knows he shouldn’t be embarrassed, Erwin made him come on the couch for fucks sake but it’s different when he’s not caught up in the throes of lust. Erwin hadn’t touched him like that since the first time, and although he craves it, it’s been strange lately. Not in a bad way, he doesn’t think, but something… something changed.

He’s snapped out of his thoughts by Erwin offering him a towel, holding it out near the crack in the door. Levi is quick to mumble “thanks” before snatching it from his hand and ducking back into the bathroom to dry himself off, eagerly wrapping the soft fabric around him to hide his body from himself.

Dysphoria was a bitch some days.

Only when he’s certain that Erwin is gone does he leave the bathroom, dumping his dirty clothes in the laundry bin-aside from his binder-before retreating to his bedroom. He doesn’t bother changing into night clothes, instead he just flops into bed  and nestles himself into his blankets as much as he can, arms and legs wrapped around a spare pillow he enjoyed clinging to.

He’s still awake early into the hours of the morning, thinking of the man he was staying with even as his eyes finally fluttered shut.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He talks about me?”
> 
> And in that moment of questioning softness, Hanji flashes a smile and he feels bare. Hanji’s found him out, within 10 minutes-at most-of them knowing each other, they had ripped out the deepest secret he had within him. He feels something, something he doesn’t want to consider. Something… small.
> 
> Levi did not like feeling small.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i got a cold and this chapter isnt as long as i wanted it to be but i wanted to give yall a new chapter
> 
> i also wanna say thank you and that i really appreciate all the attention this fic has gotten!!

Levi tried to quell the feeling as it boiled in his gut, setting the ends of his nerves on fire. Erwin wasn’t set to be home for another 2-3 hours, rationally, he knows he shouldn’t worry. But he cannot shake the violent feeling that something is  _ wrong _ . 

He throws himself into cleaning, scrubbing every surface that he can, cleaning the same spot over and over again in his panic. It does nothing to stop the feeling. By the time he would normally start getting dinner ready, it is all he can do to stare at the clock, counting down the individual seconds for when Erwin would get home. When he gets home at around 5:45, like he always does, he’ll feel silly for thinking something was wrong in the first place.

Still he sits, and he waits.

At 5:45, when there is no familiar sound of the elevator carrying itself all the way to the top floor, the voice in his head gets louder. At 5:55, when he still has yet to hear the heavy footsteps he recognizes as Erwin’s, the void gets louder still. At 6:15, it turns into a scream.

In the midst of his panic he remembers Erwin’s cellphone, and is quick to run over to the landline. He types the number in so quickly he messes up, and has to  repeat it once or twice. His hands are shaking as he holds the receiver up to his ear, stomach twisting as he paces, waiting for the call to connect.

When it does, it goes straight to voicemail.

He almost throws up.

He puts the the receiver back down none too gently and wraps his arms around himself, taking a step back as he tries to calm his breathing. The couch is too far away and Levi can’t  _ breath _ , so he sits, letting himself sink to his knees on the floor, staring down the clock as it ticked seconds away. He hasn’t had an anxiety attack this bad in a while he realizes,almost hysterically, fingers twitching on his arms.

At 6:38, around the 30 second mark, the landline rings.

He’s picking the phone up before his brain even registers his body has moved, pulling the receiver to his ear and answering as quickly as he can.

“Hello?”

“Are you Levi?” 

His voice is gruff, deeper than Erwin’s if only slightly. The voice in his head that has screamed something is wrong for the better half of 3 hours cascades into something so loud he can’t even attempt to understand it, the room feels like it’s spinning.

He almost collapses again.

“Are you still there?”

He has to respond, right.

“Yes, I’m-- yeah I’m Levi, why are you calling?”

He stumbles over his words a bit, tongue feeling far too heavy for his mouth.

“It’s about Erwin,” Time must have slowed down, that or it’s stopped completely. His lungs hurt, he can’t breath. “-there’s been an incident.”

~~~~

Which is how he finds himself in the lobby downstairs waiting, sitting on one of the overly fancy, probably way too expensive seats. He can feel the warmth of the fire on his face, but all he can do is stare towards the entrance, waiting for whoever it was that was sent to pick him up.

_ Hanji Zoe _ , his brain supplies helpfully; slightly below average height, brown hair, light brown eyes, and glasses. Supposedly he would know them when he saw them.

He should know better, he thinks, than to trust random strangers. Erwin could be fine, just running an hour or too late and forgot to call. But he never forgets to call, so he knows his head is full of shit. Besides, Levi reminds himself, Erwin had never mentioned his name to anyone that had asked, just that someone was staying with him for a bit.

He’s lived here long enough now to vaguely recognize almost everyone that walks in here, so when someone he doesn’t know walks in that matches the description Mike had given him over the phone, he figures it must be them.

He stands up quickly, watching them as they scan the lobby and finally their gaze locks in on Levi. Taking a deep breath, he steels his nerves and walks over. He feels like he’s being scrutinized, their gaze running over him, picking away at any armor he had in place to see who he  _ really _ was. They remind him of Erwin.

Erwin…

A smile breaks out on their face, an underlying layer of stress making it seem less sincere than it was probably meant to be as they held out their hand.

“Hanji Zoe! And you must be Levi, nice to meet you!”

He takes their hand slowly, shaking it as quickly as he can before pulling away, discreetly wiping the palm of his hand on his jeans. God only knows where that hand has been.

“Nice to meet you too…” Manners are not lost on him yet, but god is the fear making it difficult.

“Is Erwin going to be okay?”

The corners of their lips twitch and he can feel his heart sink into his stomach.

“Let’s talk about this in the car.” Hanji says, brightening up their smile and stepping to the side motioning towards  the front door with an overly exuberant gesture.

“After you, good sir.”

He knows they’re trying to calm both of their nerves, but nothing can take away from the heavy weight of fear in his stomach.

~~~~

His leg bounces nervously in the car, fingers tapping on the armrest as Hanji starts up the car, throwing the heat on full blast. Thankfully, the car still seemed warm from the drive over, not that he would have cared.

“Well, it’s good to finally meet the little home invader that our commander speaks so fondly of.”

_ That _ is enough to pull him from his thoughts, surprise making it’s way onto his face before he stamps it down. For the first time in hours, fear is not the only thing that rests within him. Instead something else, something warmer takes it’s place; even if only for a moment, it is a welcome respite.

“He talks about me?”

And in that moment of questioning softness, Hanji flashes a smile and he feels bare. Hanji’s found him out, within 10 minutes-at most-of them knowing each other, they had ripped out the deepest secret he had within him. He feels something, something he doesn’t want to consider. Something… small.

Levi did not like feeling small.

“Not much,” Hanji admits, turning their eyes back to the road as they pulled out onto the busier main street. “-just enough for the rest of us to know that he’s got someone waiting for him when he gets home.”

He blames the splotch of red on the heat, or the cold. One of the two.

It’s silent then, and it settles heavy between them, like the blanket of snow over the rest of New York. He has to break it; he has to know.

“Is he…” Hanji swallows next to him, they knew this was coming. “Is he still going to be coming home?”

Home, he realizes, is a strange way to refer to where he is staying. It’s not a permanent thing, he reminds himself, he will be leaving when it’s warm. He has to; that was his end of the deal. Part of it, anyways.

“Well--”   
And his world starts closing in, the sound of the city around them die. The only space that matters right now is the car, what Hanji says, and the way his hands shake violently.

“Yes and no.”

He’s going to be sick.

He wants to tell himself that this is concern over a… ‘friend’, concern for a caretaker, concern for where he’ll be staying this winter if Erwin does kick the bucket. His heart very well may beat out of his chest.

“He won’t be coming home for awhile, a couple days at the very least. The hospital wants to see how well he’s going to recover from surgery and to monitor him for a couple days to make sure he’s alright.”

There is a tremble in Hanji’s voice at the word surgery, and it occurs to Levi that if this is hell for him, it must be even worse for Hanji, and Mike, and anyone else who would happen to know Erwin for more than  _ 2 fucking months. _ They’re work friends, he reasons, they see stuff like this all the time. Surely, officers have gone under before. It’s the SVU, they deal with dangerous shit all the time.

_ ‘So did you.’ _ A voice in the back of his head chides, and he feels sick all over again.

“He’s in surgery right now, should be done in an hour or two.”

“What happened?” Levi doesn’t remember opening his mouth, but he does recognize that voice as his own.

“We had to do some field work,”

And instantly Levi knows what that means, running around in the cold, talking to victims, hunting down criminals. He doesn’t want to picture what could happen to Erwin like that, he knows the horrors of the streets too well.

“And we ended up in pursuit of someone, Erwin did what he had to do and suffered for it.”

In his head he can picture that all too well, the great, kind and noble Officer Erwin Smith, the shining head and symbol of New York’s SVU throwing himself in harm's way for the good of New York. What a fucking self-righteous asshole.

_ ‘An asshole that you care about’  _ The traitorous voice of his conscious speaks up again.

_ ‘Fuck you’ _ He thinks bitterly.

“We caught him, Levi.” And once again, Hanji’s voice pulls him from the depths of hell within his own mind. They are comforting him just as much as they are comforting themselves.

“Yeah? And what did Erwin catch?”

Hanji grins in their seat, slowing to a stop at red light. He can see the hospital from here.

“Bullet to the shoulder and a couple broken ribs.”

It is bad, him getting hurt at all is bad, but that is liveable. He hasn’t lost a limb, he isn’t in a coma, Erwin can survive that.

Hanji pulls into the parking lot and he breathes fully for the first time in what feels like years.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People had given up on him, the world - it seemed - had given up on him-- her? Both. The world didn’t care when she died, and they didn’t care about the boy that took her place.
> 
> But Erwin cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry christmas have some more "levi is gay" angst

He has never liked hospitals. He hates the quiet, hates the sterilized feeling the whole place gives off. He is fond of cleanliness, but when the place feels dead he is less so fond of it. He finds himself inching closer to Hanji despite it all, he has never liked strange places, never liked scrutinizing eyes watching his every move.

There are a few people scattered about the waiting room and instinctively his gaze hones in on the men, a nagging voice in the back of his head labeling them all as a potential threat. Hanji however, pays no mind to the others, b-lining towards quite possibly the largest, most shaggy looking man in the waiting room.

He’s even bigger than Erwin, Levi realized as they got closer, idling a few steps behind Hanji. The man looks up to acknowledge them, giving a small nod to Hanji and then looking around them to peer curiously towards Levi. Before sniffing.

Sniffing.

Not an ‘I have a cold’ sniff, a full on, dog trying to get used to you, sniff.

Suddenly he is very concerned in Erwin’s choice of friends.

Hanji plops themself down into the chair next to Mike like they had done so a thousand times, nudging his arm off the armrest to take it for themselves. They’re trying, but even the playful gesture can only do so much right now.

“Mike, any news on Erwin?”

So this is Mike, he thinks, taking him in with a much more critical eye. Hanji seems to trust them, and Erwin trusted him enough to reveal who Levi was. Perhaps Levi could treat him as less of a threat than he had intended to.

Mike sniffs people.

What the fuck.

But any dry comment he could have made falls short on his tongue as Mike shakes his head, making a soft ‘hm’ noise as his eyes slowly moved back to the clock.

Slowly, after inspecting the seat, he eases himself into a chair opposite of both of them, pulling his knees up to his chest to watch the clock as well.

Levi tries to remain calm throughout it, tries to keep a rational and level-headed mind, but he has never liked doctors, and he likes the thought of Erwin unconscious underneath one even less.

~~~~

He dozes off at one point, seconds blending into minutes until half an hour had passed between what felt like a blink. He pulls himself out of it with a start, gaze flashing towards Hanji and Mike. He never falls asleep in front of people like this, this day just must have been too emotionally taxing for him to handle. 

We’re it just Mike, he would have stayed awake, but Hanji is comforting him without meaning to. They are solid, a rock; he can relate to them.

Hanji catches his eye and he does not try to hide the fact that he had been watching; staring.

“I can buy you a snack or something if you’re hungry.”

He is hungry, his stomach almost growls at the thought of it, but if he eats he may throw up. So instead he blinks exhausting from his eyes, shifting in his seat and wrapping his arms around his knees.

“I’m not a victim, you don’t have to take care of me.”

Hanji smiles at him, with that soft but pitying “of course you aren’t” look to their face, and all at once he is back when he was 11, staring up at someone trying to offer him food - shelter.

He ran away.

~~~~

When he wakes up again later on it is to the sound of approaching footsteps and voices and he is alert within seconds, opening his eyes to see Hanji and Mike standing, looking towards someone to their rights, Levi stands too.

Mike steps forward once the doctor is reasonably close, Levi’s hands ball into fists at his side as he listens to the doctor tally up the injuries and inform them of Erwin’s status. As soon as he hears the word ‘stable’ all the fight bleeds out of him. Erwin is okay, that’s all that matters.

He goes willingly as the doctor turns, beckoning them after him to show them to the room he was in.

It’s easy for Levi to keep pace with them, despite the longer legs and wider strides, nothing in this world had the strength to stop him from getting to wherever it was in this bleached white hellhole Erwin was. He continues adamantly ignoring how that thought makes him feel.

He doesn’t have the right, he acknowledges, to push past Mike and Hanji to enter the room first when the doctor informs them which door is Erwin’s; he does it anyways.

When he enters the room he almost wants to stop in the doorway, can feel his chest ache at the horribly depressing sight awaiting him.

Erwin to him, seemed unstoppable, unable to be wounded. He was tall, masculine, and domineering; but kind and honestly more like a puppy with Levi than anything else. To see someone so big, so strong, on his back in a hospital bed with various machines hooked up to him and bandages covering parts of his body…

It hurts.

He can’t hog the doorway forever, so he steps further into the room and out of the way, letting Mike and Hanji in after him, followed closely by the doctor who pulls them aside to speak with them a bit more in depth.

Levi doesn’t care to hear what he has to say anymore, following the tug in his chest that leads him to the chair aside Erwin’s bed. He watches carefully, drowning out the sound of beeping and talk behind him and focuses solely on the soft rise and fall of Erwin’s chest. A simple reminder that he is alive, a simple thing that calms him even if it’s just a little bit.

He wants to reach out, wants to hold his hand while he’s out, wants to hold him until he wakes up. He can’t.

Erwin is not awake, but he is not alone. To the extent of his knowledge, Mike and Hanji cannot read his mind, cannot see how he thinks of holding Erwin, how he thinks of crawling into that tiny hospital bed with him and curling up against his side.

He wants to hold him, like a partner, like a lover. He wants Erwin to hold him, like something worthy of being protected, of being worshiped.

He wants to be held, years on his own without a gentle hand had left him starved; for attention, for love, he doesn’t know which. Erwin might know, he thinks, Erwin knows a lot; is learning more.

Erwin.

Years on the street had left him jaded, cold, many people had tried to get close, to press pass his defenses yet he had only responded by pushing them further away than when they had started. People had given up on him, the world - it seemed - had given up on him-- her? Both. The world didn’t care when she died, and they didn’t care about the boy that took her place.

But Erwin cared.

Erwin with his gentle hands and soft smile had cared, Erwin who had never taken and only given, Erwin who was very cautiously taking apart every wall he had put up. Not breaking, Erwin was too cautious with him for that; instead he took apart each wall, brick by brick, letting the masonry pile around him as he worked.

Erwin who he had almost lost.

He digs his nails into his jeans, because he cannot reach out, he cannot take Erwin’s hand because they are not close. Erwin is simply doing his job trying to help Levi, there is no underlying feelings that could affect them. And he repeats it in his head like a mantra, crushing down any hope blossoming that Erwin could reciprocate his feelings.

The world hates him just a little bit too much for the kind and noble officer Erwin Smith to fall in love with him.

The world hates him just enough to make Levi fall for him.

He holds back a choking noise and remembers to  _ breathe _ , drawing in air as soon as he can without drawing attention.

He needs to stop wanting what he cannot have. He is leaving when it is warm, Erwin will forget about him. His heart will hopefully learn to forget about Erwin.

Right now, he is lucky to have shelter, and to be staying with someone that doesn’t want to hurt him. He is lucky that Erwin is still alive.

It is a fear so cold it burns that grips his heart, surveying the injuries. One wrong move and Erwin could have died, the bullet could have gone through his neck instead of his shoulder. His broken ribs could have punctured a lung, or worse.

He very suddenly wants to throw up and he has to push it back, has to ignore it as Hanji and Mike finally head over with the doctor leaving the room to let them be alone.

He wants to reach out and touch him, wants to kiss his forehead and play with his hair until he wakes up. 

He wants to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up.

But he and Erwin are not lovers, they are not anything aside current caretaker and home invader. 

So he does nothing, he just sits and watches as Mike stands closer than Levi dares too. He watches as Hanji’s carefree mask falls off completely and gives way to something serious and gloomy. He watches as they push Erwin’s bangs out of his eyes and then steps back to sit next to Levi.

Mike sits down on the opposite side of the bed.

He wonders about them, how long they’ve known Erwin, about what Erwin says at the office. He wonders how he told Mike to call him, he wonders lots of things.

He wonders what it would be like to do what Hanji had done, what Erwin’s hair would feel like running through his fingers, what his eyelashes would feel like tickling the palm of his hand as he reached past them.

Something aches deep within him, in the very core of his being, heart beating in time to the shrill beeps of the monitor echoing in the room.

A scream bubbles up in his chest, which he swallows and ignores as quick as he can, trying to steady his breathing in time with Erwin’s.

There was a lot of things he wanted to do while sitting there in that room, he did none of them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Right, he’s in the hospital.
> 
> Because he was shot, several times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the continued support, happy new year!

Hours passed in that room, dragging on and on as the evening wore into the night. Outside of Erwin’s hospital window he could see the reflection of the city lights through the cracked blinds, scattered about, some flickering. It was nowhere near as impressive as the view from Erwin’s condo, and just ended up making Levi feel homesick.

Homesick.

That place wasn’t his home, not a permanent one anyways.

It feels too soon when the doctor comes into inform them that visiting hours are over and that they need to clear out. Hanji doesn’t look pleased, neither does Mike, he thinks, but the large man masks his face well.

He doesn’t want to leave, doesn’t want to leave the pitiful sight of Erwin unconscious in the hospital bed. His anxiety spikes up, fist clenching in his lap at the thought of leaving him, of spending the night in that condo alone.

He wants to stay, more than anything he wants to stay, he cannot go back alone.

Hanji wants to fight it, wants to argue that they should be able to stay a bit longer since it’s due to a case, that Erwin may need someone to be there when he wakes up, but Hanji and Mike both have work tomorrow. Then their eyes shift over to Levi.

This is a misuse of power, surely, and Erwin may have their ass for it; but Hanji clears their throat and gestures to Levi.

“This little guy,” - red flushes on his cheeks, be it anger or embarrassment, he isn’t sure - “is Erwin’s personal assistant, for at home work and monitoring of his health.”

Levi’s eyes widen just a bit as Hanji keeps going, spinning a lie right in front of their coworker and doctor.

“He is definitely going to need to be here when Erwin gets up. And, you mentioned yourself before when we got in here that Erwin would be up anywhere from 3-5 hours, which would leave him primed to wake up by himself in a hospital room without his aide.

Hanji finishes with a flourish of their hand in Levi’s direction, they talked quickly, quick enough for the doctor to get the gist they aren’t understanding something important. If the slight scrunch of his brow was anything to go by, Hanji had royally confused the hell out of him.

They might be able to slide this.

As Mike stepped forward to move past the doctor out into the hallway, the doctor glanced up at him briefly, hoping to get confirmation from a second person on whatever Hanji had just said. Looking down with a blank expression, Mike only offered forward a ‘hm’ noise and a nod before continuing out into the hallway.

He’s startled out of his stare when Hanji claps a hand down on his shoulder, making him jump.

“See you later, little man!”

He’s about to yell at them but they’re already gone out the door, chasing after Mike down the hallway.

He tenses softly, watching as the doctor looks him over being sighing, shaking his head, and heading out into the hallway as well, letting the door slowly swing shut behind him.

It takes him a minute to figure out what the hell just happened, but when it clicks in his head that he can stay here tonight, relief floods through him. It’s like a drug, almost. A high on adrenaline that makes him feel _alive._

With everyone else gone he doesn’t hesitate to press closer, scooting his chair closer to the bed and taking a moment to just _breathe._

He hasn’t been around that many strangers for that long of a time period in awhile; which should say something about his social life, really.

He shouldn’t do this, this is a direct invasion of Erwin’s rights and privacy, but he can’t help the way his hands move from his lap to the hospital bed before slowly reaching out to tentatively rest his hand on top of Erwins.

He yanks his hand away like it had burned him - in a way, he supposes, it has - pressing his hand hard against his chest, feeling the hammering heartbeat within it. Every alarm bell sounds in his head, trying to drag him back to his senses before he reaches out again. He wants to touch him, flashes of Hanji’s actions earlier racing back to the front of his mind.

Shakily, he reaches out again, hesitating just before their hands touch. Throwing caution to the wind, he lets his hand rest on Erwin’s again.

It’s warm, so warm compared to Levi’s cold hands. He is always cold, has been since he was little, but Erwin makes him feel warm.

Erwin is still asleep, probably will be for awhile, so Levi takes the opportunity to explore what he can’t when the man is awake. Carefully, he flips his hand over, running his fingers along calloused fingertips and the warmth of his palm, tracing the lines with a worshipping motion.

He dares not press his fingers between the spaces of his, he has no right to hold Erwin like that; but it tempts him. Slowly he pulls away, softly touching his wrist before moving to stand, leaning over the bed. He holds his breath as he reaches out, running his fingers through Erwin’s hair, pressing bangs out of the way and fixing it back to the usually perfect part he kept it in.

His eyes stray down further, caught by glimpses of white underneath the blanket.

 _I shouldn’t do this_ the thought rings loud and clear in his head as he ignores it; he has never been one to be careful. Slowly still, he pulls the blanket down just a bit further, revealing the wrappings around Erwin’s shoulder, hiding his wound from sight.

He swallows hard, knot forming in his throat. There is nothing visibly, no blood seeps through the bandages, but it is what lying under it that haunts him.

His arm would heal, as would the wound - despite leaving a scar - he would be fine.

But still it clings to him, reminds him of another person he had loved, dead before her time. With a shuddering breath he lets his head drop down, pressing his lips against the bandage as his eyes flutter shut. For the first time in his life, as a sinner, as an orphan, as a thief; he allows himself to pray.

~~~~

When Erwin wakes up, everything seems to ache. His head is foggy, his bed is harder - smaller, and nothing is as he is used to. The beep of the machine monitoring his vitals next to him brings him back to it, eyes blinking open and squinting through the darkness at the white ceiling of the room.

Right, he’s in the hospital.

Because he was shot, several times.

And he groans, letting his eyes shut again as he run his fingers through his hair, messing it up as he ran the day’s events by in his head.

_The chase had been going so well, their suspect, a man in his late 30’s - charged with armed assault, breaking and entering, and several instances of homicide - had been spotted leaving a gas station. Squads had stepped on it, and even he had decided to head out onto the field for once, given how much trouble this man had given his team before and the danger he was to his men._

_Everything had been going according to his place so far, roads were blocked off, pedestrians had been evacuated, every exit had been accounted for, leaving their suspect trapped inside an old warehouse in a stand off. Mike was able to sniff him out quickly, pinpointing his area within the warehouse and allowing them to section off the other areas once they had advanced inside._

_There was no chance he was going to willingly surrender which meant that he would have to be brought down and taken into custody._

_Every aspect had been accounted for, except for the homeless person using the warehouse as a home._

_Mentally, he had berated himself taking an uncalculated risk as, out of spite, their suspect had fired at the panicked person, intending to take another innocent life out before he lost the right to his own._

_Surely, this could have been avoided if he had thought ahead a bit more, but in an open area there was no cover, in his first instinct had not been to try and push them, but to stand in front of their smaller form and take the shots in their stead._

He would have been able to escape without getting shot in the shoulder, surely, had he not curved his body the way he did. Thankfully the bulletproof vest he had been wearing caught most of the damage to his chest and prevented the bullets from entering. They are designed to stop bullets, not prevent you from getting hurt; bruises and broken bones are common side-effects. Clearly, he got the short end of the stick this time around.

But their suspect had been caught - he saw Nanaba and Hanji tackling them as he went down - the person had been alright, terrified, but alright, and as he lost consciousness he told Mike to call- _Levi._

He jerks up into a sitting position, almost falling backwards as blood rushed from his head, making the room spin. His shoulder hurt, his chest hurt, he needed to find his phone because-- his breath caught in his throat because Levi is _here_ in the hospital room with him at 1:38 in the morning, sitting right by the hospital bed, leaning over it and using the mattress as a pillow.

His arms are crossed under his bed, eyes shut with his soft lips parted, breathing ever so faintly next to his waist.

Reminding himself to breathe, he sits up slower this time, becoming aware of the brace around his ribs forcing him to keep his back straight, unable to keep his eyes off of him.

Levi is here, long past visitation hours, which means that either he or Hanji (most likely) had managed to fool the doctor into letting him stay.

His heart swells in his chest, soft smile tugging at his lips as he gently moves Levi’s bangs out of his eyes. As he does so, the furrow between his brows becomes clear to him, showing a worried and stressed expression on his face even in his sleep, and Erwin’s heart hurts for him. God only knows how much time Levi spent just watching over him before passing out.

He wants to let him sleep, but he cannot stop himself from petting his hair, slowly easing the worried expression into a more relaxed one, just taking a moment to appreciate Levi’s presence; something he can never do enough.

Levi shifts under his hand and he stops, pulling his hand away slightly as Levi squirm and yawns, rolling his shoulders to stretch his muscles before opening bleary eyes. Erwin watches as he does so, unable to keep the smile off his face as Levi looks up at him.

He squints at first, peering through the darkness as his conscious returns to him before his eyes fly open, hope shining through his mask of indifference. He is cautious, scared, he does not want this to be a dream.

“Erwin?”

“Levi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i write the chapters for this the day i upload them if that explains why i always upload them so late in the day  
> late my time anyways


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He pauses mid step, jostling his arm slightly and ignoring the pinch of pain that flares in his shoulder.
> 
> “How do you know about the state of my room?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #giveleviabreak2k16

Levi listens to the doctor as he speaks better than Erwin has ever seen him listening to anyone. With his head cocked to the side ever so slightly and eyes trained on the man as he lists the medicine Erwin will need to take daily for a week and any other problems that could arise from his settling arm and ribs. Levi is attentive throughout all of it, nodding and even going as far as to ask questions.

Erwin finds it endearing.

Hanji is waiting on the sidelines, listening in on the conversation as well while waiting to take Levi and Erwin back to their condo. Although Hanji had technically lied at the time, Levi seemed to fit the role of Erwin’s caretaker startlingly well. Despite his penchant for cleanliness, he almost had to be dragged home on Erwin’s second day in the hospital to take a break and shower.

And finally, with a prescription for painkillers - handed over to Hanji, who promised to take care of it - Erwin was allowed to go home.

Levi flutters around him anxiously, watching with narrowed eyes and a glare that could scare a convicted criminal directed at any strangers that came too close as Hanji guided them both to their car. 

Despite his arm itself not being injured, it was still in a sling. “To keep the arm stabilized and allow the shoulder to heal faster” the doctor had said, and Erwin was not one to argue with a doctor. In the end, Levi was more mindful of the sling on his arm and the brace around his abdomen than he was, going as far as to kick him into the back suit with the claim that it would be easier to get in and out.

Levi looked back at him seemingly every other minute on the car ride back, blushing and turning around whenever Erwin caught his eyes and smiled. In the backseat listening to Hanji mindlessly chatter, he finally allowed himself a calm moment to just think.

Levi had looked so hopeful when he had woken up to him touching his hair a few nights ago, immediately pulling out of his drowsy state to ask him questions concerning his well-being. Sheepishly, Erwin did have to explain how exactly he had gotten shot. Despite how cute Levi had been mere moments before, the glare he had received had been murderous.

Shaking his head with a soft smile on his face, he tried to pick back up on whatever Hanji and Levi appeared to be arguing on now.

~~~~

When they pulled up to the drop off zone outside the condo, Levi was already halfway out the door before Hanji had put the car in park, slamming the door shut behind him and rounding immediately to open the door for Erwin, standing by as he slowly got out.

Hanji’s call of goodbye was waved off by Levi as he stood beside Erwin, too focused on getting him upstairs to his condo to even consider anything else. Despite the blatant rudeness anyone else would pick up on with the way Levi was interacting with the public at large, Erwin found the scowl that spread across his face and the way his nose turned up at the sight of the full elevator adorable.

As soon as the second elevator shows up Levi practically pushes him in, jamming on the ‘close doors’ buttons to stop anyone else from being able to get on before triumphantly tapping on the button for their floor. He continued to hold the button to keep the doors shut the entire ride up, seemingly unaware of the small smile and fond look in Erwin’s eyes as he watched him.

As soon as the elevator dinged it’s arrival to their floor, Levi was fishing out his own key to the condo, stepping out into the hallway and twirling the small key-ring around on his finger. Erwin lets him lead the way, and Levi has the door open and waiting by the time Erwin catches up to him.

Stepping back into the condo is like a breath of fresh air, one he welcomes. It still smells faintly of the lavender febreze Levi sprayed around. For the first time in days, Levi stills for just a moment, taking the time to let the feeling cement in his veins. Erwin is home, alive, and safe.

Then he throws himself back into it, checking on Erwin and letting him get settled, fetching his laptop from the office and bringing it to him to play on while he starts on dinner, mentally running healthier meal options through his head to help him heal faster.

For the first time in near a week the condo comes back to life, the tv plays in the living room, the stove-top of the kitchen makes the occupants of the pans on top of them crackle and steam. The noise echoes throughout the place familiarly and Levi breathes.

When dinner is ready Levi doesn’t bother calling Erwin over to get him to sit at the bar counter that acts as their dining table, instead he opts to bring his plate over to him and eat aside him on the couch.

Levi gives Erwin his space while he eats, eyes tracing from his shoulder to his abdomen, where he knows the brace to be under his shirt.

“Hey…” Levi begins, dragging his eyes back up to Erwin’s face while pausing to take a bite of his food. “Are you gonna be able to wash yourself old man? Or am I gonna have to be a fulltime nurse maid?”

Talking while he heats, cynical and deadpanned, the small raven staying with him had effortlessly swept the blonde off his feet.

“Are you gonna be able to take a shit by yourself with your arm like that? You better learn how to wipe with the other hand quick.”

His nose crinkles but the smile on his face gives him away, wiping his mouth with a napkin before laughing. “I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out.”

The laugh was deep, rumbling up from his throat and Levi’s heart sped up, pounding hard. Days without it had weakened his resistance, and he was quick to shove the rest of his food in his mouth, escaping to the kitchen under the guise of washing dishes. The action doesn’t go unnoticed by Erwin, feeling his pulse thrumming through out him as his own heart fluttered.

When he finishes eating he gently shuts the laptop, placing it on the coffee table before standing up, albeit slowly and bringing his plate into the kitchen. He passes it off to Levi, who he notes to have rolled up his sleeves and be viciously scrubbing at a pan.

He wants to test something, and although it would be cruel to do in a state like this where Levi can’t retaliate in good conscious, but the idea tempts him too much to resist.

“It’s nice to be able to come home and still see you here.”

And Levi freezes in front of him, ears quick to turn red as he ducks his head down between his shoulders, trying to brush off his words with a ‘so what?’

“Almost like coming home to a partner.”

The sound of a splash is what alerts him to the fact that Levi has dropped the pan he was holding, hands going to grip the rim of the counter as he turns away from him. The glimpse Erwin catches of his face as he turns shows the blush showing on it. He can’t help but smile in response, turning away to give Levi his space. 

“If you need me I’ll be taking a bath, although I may head to bed after that.”

Levi nods his acknowledgement, still trying to hide the offending blush on his face before he jerks his head up, looking over his shoulder. 

“You’re going to sleep while injured in that  _ filthy _ room?”

He pauses mid step, jostling his arm slightly and ignoring the pinch of pain that flares in his shoulder.

“How do you know about the state of my room?”

Levi’s breath hitches, eyes widening as his mind flashes back to the  _ fucking XL condoms _ in his nightstand, completely blank and horrified.

“I-”

Erwin turns to look at him, brow raised and curious. Levi’s mind is still blank aside from the condoms, if he isn’t careful that is what he will blurt out instead of anything remotely useful.

“Your-- your house was messy, I can only  _ assume _ that your bedroom is even filthier.”

He can hear his blood roaring in his ears, messily recovering from what was sure to be a disastrous mistake as Erwin seemingly accepts that answer.

“Shall I leave you to clean it then, or should I relocate to the couch?”

_ Permission _ , Levi thinks,  _ to be in there _ , and that is all he needs before he is abandoning the dishes for the time being, wiping off his wet hands on a dish towel before gathering his cleaning supplies.

~~~~

Erwin takes a long time in the bath, and for once Levi is grateful, snooping around as much as he is actively cleaning. He opts to leave the case-files and other piles of paperwork alone for the time being on the off-chance that Erwin had them a certain way.

The curtains to the windows are opened, showing off the bright city lights outside of them as he picks up potato chip wrapper after potato chip wrapper. 

He’s never letting Erwin go grocery shopping by himself for as long as he lives here.

The room is barely to his own standards as he ties off the second trash bag, standing back to survey his work when he hears the bathroom door creak open.

He freezes slightly, panic flashing through him before he remembers that Erwin had allowed him in here, he had nothing to worry about. So he continues cleaning, never one to remain idle where there was work to be done.

He is prepared when the door opens behind him to face Erwin in his own room.

He is not prepared to face Erwin in his own room half naked.

The trash bag he was holding slips from his hand, hands instinctively balling into fists in front of him, held close to his chest as he looked Erwin over.

This was too much, this wasn’t fair and this was too much. Here Erwin was in all of his very, extremely half-naked glory, covered only by a towel. The glow of the overhead light catches on faint water droplets still left on his skin, a stray one sliding from his jaw line down his neck. Levi’s gaze sinks lower, raking across his abs and the small bit of flesh on the side where the stitches had recently been removed. Any lower is the towel, hiding what he knows to need an XL size of condoms. This isn’t fair and he hates him.

“Oh my god you son of a bitch what the hell.”

It is a jumble of words but it’s the first thing he can think of coherently enough to say, blush instantly overtaking his face as he looks away. He doesn’t see the small smirk on Erwin’s face as he steps into the room and shuts the door behind him.

“I needed help putting on the brace.”

_ Of course you did _ , Levi thinks huffily, stepping out of the way of the bed best he can with his hand covering his eyes.  _ I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Die. _

He hears the bed creak and slowly peaks out between his fingers, letting his hand fall away when he sees that Erwin is sitting on the bed waiting, trying to keep his back as straight as possible without the brace.

Internally, Levi feels a stab of pity, maybe Erwin wasn’t trying to be a huge cocksucker and actually did need help with the brace. He was old, maybe he had simply forgotten pajama bottoms?

He’s injured, Levi will give him a free pass this time.

Levi, however, seems to be having a lot of incidents where he’s glad he doesn’t have a dick as of late.

Slowly, Levi steps forward. Erwin is as patient as ever as he tentatively reaches out to take the brace from his hands, He takes a moment to figure out how the brace itself wrapped.

“It reminds me of my damn binder.” He huffed, briefly tugging at the ends of the tight spandex before moving in front of him.

“You-- damn it.”

The blush gets stronger as Levi moves to stand in front of him. “Spread your legs, I need to get between them.”

The words are mumbled, and Erwin knows he is treading on a very thin line as he spreads them, situating the towel to ensure that nothing obscene is shown.

“If you insist.” He teased.

Levi’s head jerks down, staring down at his shaking hands as he steps forward.

_ I can do this. _ He thinks, swallowing hard and tentatively looping the fabric around his back.  _ If I don’t think about it, I can do this. _

_ ‘You could get in his lap like this’  _ his brain supplies unhelpfully.

He can’t do this.

His face burns and he has to bite back an incriminating squeak, wrapping the brace as quick as he can while ensuring that it was done safely and correctly before jerking back like he had been burned.

“If that’s all you need then goodnight.” He half yells the words, halfway to the door before he can finish the sentence.

“That is all, thank you.” Even his voice sounds smug. Fuck you Erwin.

“Oh, and Levi?” Halfway out the door, halfway to freedom, he stops.

“Yeah?”   
“Sleep well tonight.”

“Fuck you.”

He slams the door to be petty.

He can also hear Erwin’s booming laugh as he stops down the hall back to the kitchen.

He’s still blushing long after the dishes are done, curled up in bed with the smell of Erwin’s body wash stuck in his nose.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So,” he begins, throwing himself into it, trying to seem nonchalant while examining different types of pasta noodles. “What do you normally get Erwin for Christmas?”
> 
> He’s almost certain he can hear the cackle in their voice when they respond.
> 
> “Y’see, Erwin can be kind of difficult to buy for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is rated e for a reason i promise

For Levi, the next few weeks prove to be some of the most difficult weeks of his life. It was difficult being around Erwin before with his growing crush on the attractive man, but having to be around him all day every day was proving to be an even greater struggle.

He had flourished in his role of nursemaid, helping Erwin with anything the man could or wouldn’t ask for, from helping him into the brace and cast, all the way over to washing his back at one point when his arm hurt too much to twist to clean it.

He had almost died.

He had gotten to know Hanji and Mike in the meantime, with how much both of them felt the need to invade their home. Hanji was helpful, at least, bringing medication and advice on how to let the wounds heal faster. Mike just sniffed him every now and then; it still weirded him out every time. Christmas was coming up, briefly he entertained the thought of getting Mike a collar.

And then he froze.

Christmas. A time of year he hadn’t celebrated since his mother was still alive, singing happy birthday to him first thing in the morning. They hadn’t had much, but they had each other. He had to excuse himself for awhile, leaving them all behind in the living room.

He thought about it days later, when Erwin was politely prying and asking more about his interests, what he liked, digging deeper than he already had.

“I like journals.” Levi had admitted later that night, softly, almost carelessly, deep in thought as he sipped at his coffee, eyes trained on the t.v screen. Another christmas commercial was playing, interrupting their program as Levi wondered again what he could get Erwin; it was only the 13th, he had time. He missed the way Erwin smiled.

Groceries ran low, and with Erwin out of commission, Levi had to employ Hanji to help him get to the store and back. He was not entirely happy about that.

Hanji talked, a lot, it was just part of their personality. They could probably talk the ear off a babbling child. Despite his own lack of education, he could pick up on bits and pieces of what Hanji had said, intellect clear in their words. He recognized only basic parts of what they said, it all just blurred together in his ears, but it would explain how Erwin could be so close with someone so filthy.

He had asked Erwin one day, what four-eyes did that was so important. He came to find out that Hanji was their top medical expert, and if he thought they were weird now, he should see them exhuming a victim.

He pushed the thought as far out of his mind as he could physically make it go.

As soon as they got into the store Hanji was demoted to ‘cart-pusher’ and told to just follow him around while he got stuff.

He didn’t want to do this, but who better to ask than Hanji? Mike… he still wasn’t sure how Mike felt about him - or how he felt about Mike for that matter - which left Hanji as his only option.

It was hard for him to talk about things like this, even more so to people he hadn’t known for a long time. Levi scowled as he examined a salmon, weighing in his hands before adding it to the cart and moving from the meat section towards the other aisles.

“So,” he begins, throwing himself into it, trying to seem nonchalant while examining different types of pasta noodles. “What do you normally get Erwin for Christmas?”

He’s almost certain he can hear the cackle in their voice when they respond.

“Y’see, Erwin can be kind of difficult to buy for.”

_ God damn it _ , he thinks.

“He’s not one to ask for much, really, he’d probably be fine with just a coffee mug.”

_ A coffee mug. _

He does not want to just get Erwin a coffee mug.

So he lets the conversation drop, letting Hanji dominate the conversation while they shopped.

\----

When he gets home he is exhausted, thankful for Hanji’s help in bringing the groceries upstairs, but more than willing to take some time to himself. Erwin tried to offer his help in putting the groceries away, but Levi was quick to shoo him off, stating that he needed rest if his ‘shitty arm’ was ever gonna work right again.

Erwin had thankfully conceded defeat, returning to his spot on the couch and getting back to working on his laptop. What he was doing was beyond Levi, but the less he had to see of Erwin right now was better.

In all honesty it was… frustrating having to be around Erwin all the time, not that he minded, it wasn’t an ‘annoyed’ type of frustrating but more…

He shifted slightly, rubbing his thighs together before standing on the tips of his toes to open up a higher cupboard.

He was horny. So, terribly, inconveniently horny. Before he had been injured it was already difficult, watching the way his muscles flexed with his movements, feeling the heat of his body next to Levi’s when they were pressed together on the couch. But now it was worse, now he had seen Erwin’s body with droplets of water sliding down his chest, now he has seen the way he looked relaxed in the bath under Levi’s ministrations while he washed his back.   
Now Levi was suffering.

He had been so busy taking care of Erwin that he hadn’t had time to take care of himself.

He allows himself a moment of weakness, a moment to think of the weight of Erwin’s cock on his tongue when he had sucked him off, of the way it twitched in his throat when he came in his mouth.

He thinks of it twitching like that inside of him, wringing a second orgasm from his body as Erwin came in him.

He needs to get off.

He puts the rest of the groceries away as quickly as he can, shoving a box of cereal in its place and making sure he had every refrigerated item in the fridge before pulling away from the kitchen, leaving Erwin with firm instructions to “yell if you need me” before taking off for his room.

He slipped into the guest bedroom with practiced ease, quickly locking the door shut behind him before pulling his shirt and pants off, flopping down onto the bed.

With a shaky breath he pushes his briefs down, grabbing at the hem and pulling down until he could kick them off the rest of the way. His binder was the only thing left on him, and already he knows he is wet, could tell by the small spot on the crotch of his briefs, can tell by the heat between his legs.

He hasn’t had to do this in so long, hasn’t wanted to, but he thinks of Erwin and his cock and suddenly it’s all he wants to do.

Teasingly, his fingers dip downwards, trailing along his side and stomach before pressing through the curls of his pubic hairs and finding his clit. The reaction is instantaneous, his back arches and he whines, fingers pressing down harder, rubbing against himself.

He spreads his legs further without thinking, breath already starting to come harder as his fingers dipped lower, spreading open the lips of his entrance and pressing in between, feeling his own wetness. He doesn’t press in yet, he wants to play with himself more.

His fingers are going to be so gross after this.

With that hand he goes back to rubbing his clit, moving his fingers in a small circle while the pleasure built in him. Already he can tell he isn’t going to last long, his body needs it too badly.

His breath hitches when he rolls his hips up into his hand, letting out a whimper, thighs starting to tremble from where he was holding them open. His other hand moves up to his binder, and he has to arch his back to push it up closer to his collarbone, taking some pressure off of his chest to breath easier.

Then his hand dips lower, joining the other between his thighs to press 2 fingers against his entrance, rubbing against his opening before pressing in. He’s shaking when his fingers slide in all the way, mouth open in in a silent cry. His walls are soft, wet, and eagerly tightening around his fingers.

He’s gone this far, there is nothing wrong with fantasizing a little bit more.

He starts to think of Erwin again, of how good his hands felt on his body when he made him cum that one time. He thinks about his big his cock would be inside of him, stretching him open and taking him for the first time.

The first time-- the coil of pressure building in the pit of his stomach snaps and his eyes roll back, arching up off the bed with a barely muffled cry. He’s shaking, walls flexing rhythmically around his fingers.

It takes him a minute to come out of it, longer still to pull his fingers out of himself, letting his hand rest splayed out across his hip.

He mulls it over in his head, dazed and floating above the world as he starts to come down from his high. If he and Erwin do end up having sex, Erwin will be his first.

He can feel his muscles flex again, toes curling ever so slightly as a fresh wave of desire flashes through him. He pushes it down, slowly peeling his sweaty body off his bed and re-adjusting his binder, pushing it back down to cover his breasts before he re-dressed himself.

He thinks about it for the rest of the night, as he checks on Erwin and starts on dinner it races through his mind. He wants Erwin to be his first, he decides, wants him to take him and touch him in ways no one else had.

He keeps his face neutral, sitting next to Erwin on the couch, sipping at his tea while they watched t.v together. Erwin was speaking, animated for once as he explained what he had been doing on his laptop all day. Hiding a smile behind his cup, he thinks he may know what to give him for Christmas.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had expected Erwin to be the same way, another ‘do-gooder’ cop who doesn’t actually give a fuck about the people he’s been assigned to protect.
> 
> Erwin isn’t like that.
> 
> Something twists inside of him, in his gut, in his throat, in his chest. It blooms and it burns and it aches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i try to update every sunday, but sometimes sunday turns into monday.  
> whoops
> 
> ty for all the comments and kudos! even if i don't respond i read them all <3

****

The sound of the TV drones on in the background, but neither of them are paying attention to it, so invested in each others presence to worry about whatever sitcom was playing tonight. Levi pulls his legs under himself, shifting around on the couch, hands wrapped around his warm cup of tea as Erwin finishes up his work on the laptop. He shuts the electronic gently before moving in onto the coffee table, picking up his mug of coffee and taking a sip before looking towards Levi with a smile on his face.

Snow is falling outside the window, dancing pass the glass panels in the wind. It’s late, and late is almost never a good time to talk, but Levi doesn’t mind talking to him. It was a night like this not all that long ago when Levi had finally revealed his own past, maybe now it was time for Erwin to do the same.

His arm is getting better, as are his ribs. A check-up with the doctor a few days ago had confirmed that Erwin would be able to return to work within the week. A part of him knows he will miss the man’s presence in the apartment all the time, but he also knows how much Erwin’s job means to him.

He taps his fingers on the cup, listening to the soft sound they make and allowing it to relax him. The TV is comfortable background noise, a welcome distraction from the thoughts swirling in his head.

Erwin is more interested in the TV than he is, watching whatever was happening play out with a very mild interest, periodically taking sips of his coffee. He want to know more about Erwin, wants to know about who he is, what he does, what his interests are. The question is out before he realizes it.

“What made you want to work for the SVU?”

Erwin’s gaze is on him in an instant, a louder scene on the TV catching his attention briefly before flicking back to Levi again. He smiles apologetically.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”

Levi’s face flushes slightly, for reasons he doesn't quite understand, looking away to hurriedly taking a drink of his tea, burning his mouth a little on the hot liquid.

‘Ah, I…”

He could trail off, say it was nothing or that it didn’t matter, but that would only leave Erwin suspicious and curious. He might as well just say it.

“What made you decide to become a cop?”

Erwin stills at that, and for a moment panic grips him, sure that he’s fucked up. But instead Erwin smiles again, calming any fears of Levi’s with his actions.

“I was wondering when you might ask that.”

He shifts on the couch, settling more comfortably on it, turning the tv down lower to give Levi his full attention. Levi does the same, toes curling as his grip tightening on his cup.

Erwin doesn’t seem upset that he had asked, which is another he had worried about, he knows personally that remembering the past can often do more harm than good.

“It’s a bit of a story.” Erwin begins, giving Levi the chance to backtrack if he were to become uncomfortable.

Instead Levi nods, clutching the mug like a lifeline.

“I grew up in an… emotionally distant household.” It takes him a moment to find the words, to find a way to explain.

“My father was never around much, and my mother, although loving, died when I was young, leaving me with our maid and an absent father.”

Already Levi can feel the sting in his chest, wounds rubbed raw and memories burning deep.

Alone.

He knows what that feels like.

Erwin doesn’t continue speaking after that, but it is clear he will if asked. Levi likes that about Erwin, he never pushes, never pulls, only gives. A part of him wonders what he did to earn the right to meet someone like him.

He finds himself asking how she died, staring down into the swirling liquid of his cup.

“She killed herself.”

His breath catches in his throat, going still. Erwin had said it so calmly, nonchalantly, even. Like they were discussing the weather instead of his mother’s death.

“Oh.” Levi breaths, at a loss of what to say. He feels guilty, in some way, like he had overstepped a boundary. Instead Erwin just offers him another smile, nostalgically somber in a way Levi recognizes too well.

“Do you… do you know why?”

“She was a victim. I was too young to understand what had happened at the time, but I do remember how it changed her, and the impression it left on me in return.”

Levi nods to show he’s still listening, encouraging him to keep going. He doesn’t dare look away from Erwin even for a moment, nothing else in the world matters right now but them and what Erwin says here.

Erwin’s gaze softens, and he looks down into his own, now empty, mug.

“I’ve been interested in making a change since I was young,” His voice is softer now, raw in a way that rips into Levi like a knife.

“People shouldn’t have to live in fear of going outside, of interacting with the world around them. No one should ever go unpunished for a crime that destroys another human being the way assault does.”

He looks up then, determination taking over his features as he looked out the windows, staring at the skyline of New York.

“I want to change this city for the better, Levi, I want resources to be available to anyone that should need or want them.”

And the Erwin turns his gaze back towards him, and Levi freezes. He feels open under that gaze, has from the minute he saw him.

“I want to help people, Levi.”

He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to respond. He can only stare as his words echo around in his head. He’s met many cops in his days; cops, social workers, the workers at the homeless shelter. He’s had his fair share of run-in’s with people in power. More often than not, they see him and tut condescendingly, with clear pity in their eyes and a look on their face that says ‘oh that poor confused girl’.

He’s hated every single person like that he’s run into, hated the pity, hated the way they treated  _ him _ .

He had expected Erwin to be the same way, another ‘do-gooder’ cop who doesn’t actually give a fuck about the people he’s been assigned to protect.

Erwin isn’t like that.

Something twists inside of him, in his gut, in his throat, in his chest. It blooms and it burns and it  _ aches _ .

He pushes it away, fearing the response, fearing what it means for him.

He’s still thinking about it hours later, about the private things Erwin had told him so openly, and the way his words resonated within him long after their conversation had ended.

_ ‘What a man.’ _

~~~~

Levi fusses the next morning, carefully looking Erwin over. He hasn’t had work in 3 weeks and yes, admittedly, Levi is worried. But, Erwin looks happy, excited almost to be getting back to it.

“How close are Hanji and Mike to your office, again?”

“I’ll be able to yell if I need anything.”

Levi nods in response, pursing his lips before stepping forward and straightening his tie, rising up onto his toes to be able to reach properly.

The smile that stretches across Erwin’s face is warm,  looking down at him with unabashed affection. As soon as Levi notices he jerks away, tips of his ears turning red, signifying his embarrassment.

“Are you sure you’ll be fine?”

“Would you like me to call you at lunch?”

Biting his lip, he wants to say yes, wants Erwin to call him and talk to him and never stop. Instead he shakes his head, schooling his features back into a blank mask before telling Erwin not to shit himself while he’s at work.

Erwin leaves with a smile on his face.

With Erwin gone that leaves Levi to deep clean the condo, something he had not been able to do while taking care of Erwin. As he roots through the drawers for his cleaning gloves, he allows himself to smile.

He cleans for hours, easily letting the world around him fall away, focusing solely on getting the work done.

He finishes up the rest of the house before making his way to Erwin’s room. Erwin, thankfully, had already assisted in tidying up the stacks of paperwork, so there was no way for Levi to error in that part. All that was left was dirty laundry and minor amounts of trash he had yet to get to.

As he finishes up cleaning he starts to think, someone that has never ended well for him when he was alone. Being able to run wild with his thoughts triggered a panic attack more often than anything else. He can’t stop thinking about Erwin though.

He feels closer to him today, despite having lived with the man for almost 3 months. Last night seemed to be a stepping stone, something in his chest tugs him towards Erwin, wants him to be closer, wants to be with him.

He’d follow that man anywhere.

It takes half an hour for his hands to stop shaking.

~~~~

Erwin calls him on his lunch break anyways, despite Levi telling him not to bother with it. Erwin takes the time to update him on how his day has been so far, politely asking about what Levi had done, and then updating him on how his arm was handling the more sudden and straining use.

Levi listens intently, committing every word Erwin says to memory. He would never admit it, but he had been lonely today without him nearby. The condo felt too empty without the blonde’s presence in it. As they near the end of the call Levi asks if his bowels were able to hold out, and Erwin  _ laughs _ before informing him that they had yet to give in on him.

When they end the call Levi stares down at the phone receiver in his hand, an overwhelmingly fond expression on his face before putting it back in it’s spot and going to throw the last trash bag in the garbage chute.

When he finally gets to sit down, he is quick to turn on a soap opera, wrapping his legs and arms around a pillow on the couch and starting to plan out dinner.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew he wanted Erwin, knew by the way his core wetted thinking of him, knew by the fluttering in his chest as he remembered his booming laugh.
> 
> Knew by the way he couldn’t go a minute anymore without thinking about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "levi is very gay and angsty, part 12"

There’s only a few days left before Christmas, something he hadn’t celebrated in a long, long time. Part of him is anxious that he couldn’t get Erwin a better gift, part of him knows that Erwin would love anything he gave to him, but the nervous feelings remain.

Erwin isn’t one to decorate his apartment, but the rest of the building does, especially the lobby. He hasn’t seen so much ‘cheer and goodwill’ since he had wandered through that rich neighborhood one time years ago. 

He’s decided he hates nutcrackers.

And mistletoe; fuck mistletoe.

Erwin had finally managed to convince him to go out to eat with him. ‘To celebrate the holidays,’ he had said, practically fucking beaming down at the smaller man., Levi couldn’t have said no if he wanted to. So he allowed Erwin to corral him into the car and drive him several blocks over to an expensive looking place to eat.

_ Rich people _ , Levi had huffed, as Erwin handed the keys to his car over to the valet before allowing him to lead him inside. Despite the general pretentiousness he had expected, it was actually surprisingly nice. Well decorated, soft christmas music playing, and with a candlelit atmosphere. It was almost too romantic for him to stand. After all, they were just out for dinner, this wasn’t a date or anything.

Was it?

He had pushed the thought away as quickly possible, eating dinner and even having room for dessert. Even if it wasn’t a date, it was still wonderful, being that close to him for dinner.

His mind wandered with it, imagining a future where they were together, where they did go out to eat once every week, laughing and feeding each other and all the other gross domestic couple shit that came with it.

It had been amazing, Erwin had picked up the bill with a charming smile and all-in-all, Levi could have easily crossed it off as a perfect night.

If it hadn’t been for the fucking mistletoe.

They had made it back to their building with no trouble, talking softly in the car the ride home, warm and content with each others presence. When they got back into the lobby, as they had been waiting in front of the elevator to take their ride up, one of the staff members had pointed out the offending plant hanging from the ceiling. Erwin, noticing his confusion, had explained the custom of kissing under it to him as the staff member wandered off, having done their job. Levi would deny his blush to his grave, stammering and hissing that the custom was stupid. Erwin had merely shrugged with a smile, explaining that no one had to do it, but he was more than willing to help Levi educate himself with the customs of Christmas if Levi was willing to let him show him.

That mistletoe was the bane of his existence at this point, teasing him with soft warm lips against his own and a much large hand gently cupping his face and tilting his chin upwards. It made him flush just thinking about it, mind taunting him with the memory of Erwin’s body pressed closer up against his own.

Even the blowjob paled in comparison to this; because this was  _ more. _

There had been something in Erwin’s eyes, a fondness he couldn’t conceal that teased him with a desire for more as they had kissed. Erwin, ever the gentleman, had even given him multiple chances to back out before they did it.

_ ‘Why didn’t I?’ _ Levi wondered now, raising his fingers to touch his lips as he stared at the wall ahead of him. Shaking his head and looking back down at the sink, he quickly shut off the sink water before the basin overflowed, pausing to drain some of the water before getting to work scrubbing last night’s dishes.

The kiss had been days ago, yet it still haunted him. He wanted Erwin, now more than ever, he wanted him. It frightened him to an extent, how his need for the man had gone from money, to sexual, to something… more, something he didn’t have a name for; something he didn’t want to name. He knew he wanted Erwin, knew by the way his core wetted thinking of him, knew by the fluttering in his chest as he remembered his booming laugh.

Knew by the way he couldn’t go a minute anymore without thinking about him.

He doesn’t dare let himself think of the word ‘love’ even once.

~~~~

He can’t stop thinking about it, about how Erwin’s hands would feel on his body, pinning him against the bed surrounding him wit his heat. It’s starting to fuck up his daily life.

He hasn’t been able to look Erwin in the eye since the kiss, turning away to hide a blush every time the older man so much as looked at him. This wasn’t healthy, he knew that, but he had no idea how to go about approaching the topic with him.

_ ‘Hey you’re really hot and I offered up sex to stay here with you but you haven’t really done anything and I think I like you a lot more than I should let me stay forever?’ _

He’d be kicked out before winter was over if he pulled some shit like that.

He is getting to be too old for this teenage angst shit.

Right, his birthday. That was coming up in a couple days too. He wondered if Erwin knew when his birthday was, he remembered telling him that it was in December but not giving him a specific date. Whatever, it didn’t matter to him anyways.

He’d be 18 in a couple days, a thought that simultaneously terrified and excited him.

_ ‘At least I’ll be able to buy my own cigarettes now,’  _ he reasoned, fingers tapping against the granite of the countertops.

He was restless today, now more than he usually is. Erwin had been gone for a couple hours now, the quiet he used to look forward to in the condo now just seemed… daunting. He had cleaned yesterday, all the dishes are done, and there was nothing on tv - he already checked - which left him alone with his thoughts.

The thoughts of Erwin touching him, of fucking him into the bed.

He could shower, or… take care of the problem that was happening between his legs, he could ignore it or--  _ laundry _ . He could do laundry.

He doesn’t waste any time heading to the laundry room, grabbing the basket before heading to the bathroom to gather up used towels. He hums as he throws them into the basket, soon heading to his own room to gather the small amount of clothing from his hamper.

This will be easy, just a quick run in and out of Erwin’s room and he could finish up the laundry, take a shower, and by then hopefully something good would be on and he could distract himself until Erwin got home from work.

The universe hates him.

The clothes left on the floor are obviously dirty, pushing past the feeling of anxiety that bubbles in his chest telling him something was about to go  _ incredibly wrong.  _ There is a shirt, however, one that is quickly getting on the level of mistletoe and nutcrackers, sitting on Erwin’s bed. He isn’t sure if it’s clean or dirty or what, he couldn’t remember seeing him wear it, but it could have been a night shirt.

He could just pick it up and throw it in anyways, but in his mind that is a waste and unnecessary. Slowly, he makes his way over to the offending article of clothing, picks it up, and  _ sniffs _ it.

It’s dirty. It is definitely dirty and it  _ smells _ like him. Just like that, every desire he had been holding back from earlier rushes forward and he’s overwhelmed and  _ wet _ and he just wants.

He doesn’t know what he wants, but he  _ wants. _

Against all better judgement, against everything in his head calling him a dumbass, he sniffs the shirt again; and again. One more time for good measure.

And as he’s sniffing it, breathing in Erwin’s scent, his hand dips lower, sliding under the waistband of his pants and rubbing at his clit with only the thin layer of his briefs to separate them.

He’s going to need to wash his underwear later, but not all he can think about is getting off. Choosing to ignore the direct invasion of privacy this is, he squirms out of his pants and climbs on top of Erwin’s bed, surrounding himself in the scent of coffee and warmth and  _ Erwin _ .

He sniffs the shirt more as he kicks off his briefs, hand flying down between his legs, getting to work immediately.

He whimpers into the shirt, biting into the fabric to muffle his noises as he starts to work himself. He doesn’t have time to tease himself for hours here, he needs to get off, and get out.

It feels like he’s dazed, or high. One of the two. Regardless, it’s addicting, that weightless feeling of being in Erwin’s bed using his shirt to help him get off. He wants Erwin to fuck him, wants to be able to smell this intoxicating scent at all times

His leg kicks and he barely chokes back a moan. His face feels like it’s on fire, this is embarrassing. Thank god Erwin is at work.

He’s getting close, so, so close to finishing, and it makes him work his fingers faster, tracing tight little circles on his clit. He’s going to have to wash Erwin’s comforter, he’s so wet it’s leaving a spot on it.

_ This is depraved,  _ he thinks, hating himself as he bites his lip.

Then there is a click, and his eyes go wide blinking his eyes open -  _ When did they close? - _ and looking towards the door to see--

All the heat drains from him, eyes wide and horrified as his gaze connects with  _ Erwin’s _ who should  _ not _ be home right now. Erwin looks shocked more than angry at the moment, there’s that at least.

But that doesn’t take away from the fact that Levi is  _ masturbating _ on his  _ bed _ and  _ sniffing one of his shirts. _

He wants to die; he really wants to die.

His legs are still spread, he is still showing off  _ everything _ and his face just burns.

Erwin seems to compose himself then, taking a moment to loosen the tie around his neck.

“E-- Erwin.” He stutters, still too shocked to move.

_ “Levi.”  _


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin’s hand finds his hip again, one settling near Levi’s head on the bed to steady himself as Levi tries to just breathe around everything that he’s feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i ended up taking a week break with all of my writing cause i was kinda burnt out, but now im getting back in the swing of things!

_ “Levi.” _

That growl rips through his body, jump-starting his heart and jerking him from his paralyzed shock. The raven quickly shut his legs, crossing one knee over the other and sitting up to scoot backwards on the bed farther away from Erwin. His face  _ burned _ with shame, so embarrassed he wanted to cry.

Levi waited for it then, squeezing his eyes shut and letting his head drop, hiding his face from Erwin, expecting the man to yell at him- to kick him out; to do  _ something _ .

Instead, a large, gentle hand cups his face, slowly tilting his chin up and towards him. Hesitantly, Levi lets his eyes open slightly, staring up at his host with barely concealed nerves.

“ _ Levi.” _

That voice again makes him shiver, blood roaring in his ears as he swallowed.

“...Yeah?”

He wants to throw up, he’s so anxious; wants to run and hide or leave and never come back. But, Erwin’s thumb is rubbing small circles on his cheek, and suddenly he’s even more confused than he was before.

“Does this mean what I think it does?”   
What he thinks it does; that Levi wants him.

Levi takes a moment to try and steady his breathing, ripping his gaze away from Erwin’s to look at something-  _ anything _ else.

He swallows.

“Yes.”

Erwin’s going to make him leave, he’s going to do something, couldn’t just let Levi do as he pleased after seeing that.

Then Erwin’s lips are on his and he doesn’t know what to think.

Grey eyes fly open wide in shock, meeting Erwin’s gaze and  _ searching _ before he says fuck it and melts into him, letting his eyes flutter shut. He’s still inexperienced, but like their short kiss under the mistletoe in the lobby, Erwin guides him through it. He teaches him how to move, lips pressing against each other before shyly opening his mouth at Erwin’s insistence.

He had expected it to feel gross, but it doesn’t, and he can already feel his desire from earlier rushing back to meet him.

Erwin pulls away from him and he almost whines,  about to pull him back down when the bed shifts and Erwin is on the bed  _ with _ him slowly spreading his legs open, hands on his thighs.

Levi lets him do it willingly,  shivering and flushed with a mixture of embarrassment and desire as Erwin runs his hands up to his hips, teasing his body with warm touches in the chill of the room.

It doesn’t take much, or really any effort from Erwin, to make Levi want to beg.

Levi’s mind is still racing as Erwin’s fingers dip lower, pressing up between his lips to tease his core, dragging his fingers through the wetness before pressing at his entrance.

He isn’t stupid, Levi knows that Erwin’s fingers are bigger than his own, that  _ everything _ about Erwin is bigger than him; but when Erwin locks their gazes together asking for permission, Levi nods without hesitation.

Two slick digits slide into him and immediately Levi notices the difference, back arching up off the bed and walls clamping hard around them, shaking as he adjusts to the different feeling of warmth inside of him. They’re bigger than he’s used to and  _ so _ warm and he can feel all of it.

Erwin’s other hand squeezes his hip and he lets a whimper slip out of him, walls slowly starting to relax around the intrusion. Erwin gives him a bit more time, before settling his arm in a more comfortable position, and crooking his fingers up. Levi made a noise that he would deny till the day he  _ died _ , walls twitching around his fingers as his heart sped up impossibly more.

The blonde didn’t stop at that, however, and Levi could feel his eyes widen at the small smirk that twitched on Erwin’s lips before he pulled his fingers out and thrust them back in.

He was too sensitive, too inexperienced to keep quiet, whimpers and gasps spilling from his lips as he grabbed at the comforter under him, nails digging hard into the fabric, the shirt abandoned and half falling off the bed.

Erwin knew how to play him like an instrument, searching and pressing at a spot inside of him that made stars dance behind his eyes.

“Fuck,” He whined as Erwin started to scissor him. He was tight, and the dull ache  in his core made him twitch in ways that weren’t entirely pleasure. Erwin didn’t stop working him through, thumb coming up to gently rub at his clit, making it easier on him.

His chest was heaving when Erwin pressed a third finger inside him, mind flashing at the memory of the condoms in the nightstand next to them. He had wanted it for so long and he was finally going to have it; was finally going to lose his virginity -- to  _ Erwin _ no less.

His chest burns with satisfaction, ignoring the twinging ache as Erwin pulled his fingers out, drawing a low moan from Levi that just seems to strengthen the fire in his eyes.

He’s boneless on the bed, but he recognizes the sound of the nightstand drawer when he hears it, and he refocuses his gaze on Erwin to see him holding a condom and a tube of lube. He wants to laugh when he sees it and a small noise does bubble out of him before he can stop it, drawing Erwin’s attention. Then Levi is sitting up and slipping his fingers under the hem of his shirt to tug it off. Erwin, bless him, reaches over to help with the binder afterwards, placing it onto the nightstand to keep it out of harm's way while Levi tugged his shirt back on, finally able to breathe as deeply as he wanted.

Erwin takes the cue to remove his own shirt, tossing it and the tie aside without care. His pants come off next, also dropped off the side of the bed until Erwin is between his legs in just his boxers- and then those are gone too.

Levi couldn’t keep the grin off his face if he tried, Erwin’s cock, until now just a distant memory, was hard and twitching, pre dripping from the tip in a way that almost makes him want to get up and lick it. Erwin reaches for the condom again and it acts as a silent reminder that Levi was about to get something  _ much _ better than just something to suck on.

He rolls on the condom with practiced ease, a small spike of jealousy racing through the raven’s veins before he calmed it, the more Erwin knows the better he can treat him. Levi waits just on the edge of patience as Erwin opens the tube of lube to slick his cock more, half of him wanting to tell him to get on with it; the other half appreciating the effort Erwin was putting forth for his sake.

The bed creaks and then Erwin is on top of him, hot and heavy and Levi  _ wants _ .

He spreads his legs wider, alight with nerves and desire and  _ too much _ for him to comprehend. Erwin is in between his legs with the tip of his cock pressed against his entrance and Levi’s shaking he wants it so bad.

Erwin looks at him, meeting his gaze  _ still _ asking for permission. It makes his chest tighten and he bites his lip, nodding at him between small gasps of air. He hates this empty feeling inside of him where Erwin used to be.

And then Erwin is pushing in him and his world falls away.

There is a burn, a soft ache in his walls as he stretches to accommodate, not quite pain, no, never pain; not with Erwin. His back arches and his mouth falls open, eyes rolling back and nails  _ surely _ ripping at the cover as something in him gives and Erwin bottoms out, filling him entirely with  _ him. _

And Levi can feel all of it, one hand shakily going over his abdomen, hearing Erwin let out a hiss on top of him.

His legs are trembling when he wraps them around Erwin, ankles locking together at the dip of his back and just feeling.

Erwin’s hand finds his hip again, one settling near Levi’s head on the bed to steady himself as Levi tries to just  _ breathe _ around everything that he’s feeling.

His eyes are glazed over, and he doesn’t think he could speak if he tried, but that’s fine, neither of them need to speak to know what the other wants or needs, they know each other too well to ever need words in a moment of passion like this.

And then Levi’s eyes catch something; the scars.

One on his ribs, almost unnoticeable, and the ugly blossoms of color on his shoulder, from surgery and from the bullet itself entering. An eternal silent reminder of the time he almost lost him.

Tentatively, he reached out, fingers tracing the scar on his shoulder. Erwin stills under him, but Levi doesn’t stop. Gently, he pulls him down closer to him, close enough for him to rest his forehead against the scar, clinging to his bicep to keep him near.

It says more than words ever could.

Levi lets him pull away, whining as his thickness left him before it pushed back in. Erwin starts slow, firm, deep thrusts that make him shake and want to cry with how good it feels.

“Erwin.” Levi stutters his name like a prayer, hips twitching back to meet his thrusts with his own as the man speeds up a bit, resting his weight on Levi more and pinning him to the bed. Levi loves every second of it, loves being pinned under this man loves how he makes him feel good.

Already, Levi knows he won’t last long, Erwin won’t either, if the little growl of pleasure in his ear are anything to go by.

They move together, with Levi meeting as many of Erwin’s thrusts as he can before he starts to fall apart. When he comes, he comes loud, orgasming shattering him and making him scream, walls clamping around Erwin like a vice, forcing him to his own orgasm. Erwin’s thrusts stutter, and he let out a noise that almost has Levi ready to go again before stilling on top of him.

Levi is sore, he’s sweaty and gross, his bangs are stuck to his forehead, the covers will need washed, and he’s never been more happy to be dirty.

~~~

“What were you doing home right now anyway?”

“Hm?”

Erwin looked away from the shirt he had been checking for wrinkles, glancing back towards the raven still lounging in his bed, pleased and fucked out of it.

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?”

“Ah,” Erwin smiled at him, making butterflies dance in his chest. “I had forgotten to bring something to work with me and had come home to get it, when I didn’t hear or see you I was concerned.”

“Oh.” Levi mumbled, looking away to ignore the blush rising on his face.

It was quiet between them then as Erwin re-dressed himself, glancing in the bedroom mirror to try and get his ‘sex-hair’ under control.

“When will you be home tonight?”   
“An hour or so later.”

Levi nodded, letting out a noise of acknowledgement as he relaxed further in the bed, already dreading when he would have to get up and change the covers.

“Don’t worry about dinner tonight,” Erwin’s voice was deep, nice, it made him sleepy. “I’ll take care of it.”   
No longer sleepy.

He jerked up, eyes open to stare at Erwin, the Pan Incident still fresh in his mind. Erwin, realizing his mistake, quickly backtracked. 

“I’ll order chinese, I mean.”

“You fucking better.” Levi huffed, dropping back down into the position he had been in, curling back up around the blankets.

“Sleep well, Levi.”

“Get back to work you old fart.”

~~~

Erwin left the condo with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for a fic that literally has levi offering to suck erwin's dick in the summary it sure took awhile for them to actually fuck


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His traitorous mind has long since accepted that he will miss Erwin the most. The crease in his brow as he looked over case-files, the light within his eyes as he smiled at him, like Levi was truly worth something; like he wasn’t some street brat with no hope and no future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you ever forget to update ur fic for 4 months because i sure do i am s o s o r r y
> 
> i wanted to get this chapter out before work so its not proofread or spellchecked at all but ill get to that when i clock out  
> to anyone still interested in this fic id like to thank you so much for sticking with it while life kicked my ass
> 
> im gonna try and be more regular with updates from here on out, maybe not every week but we'll see

The months pass by in a blur of warmth and color that not even the harsh winter could taint. In Erwin’s arms Levi grows, learns, and is loved in ways that he fears will leave an everlasting mark on his body and his soul.

Not that he minds.

The sound of Erwin’s breath and the heat of his body behinds him settle into his memory as naturally as learning to breath. It is no surprise when he finds himself at the cusp of spring without even a moment to prepare for it.

* * *

There is not much of his to pack and he does so in secret, he will not make a pathetic show of throwing himself back onto the streets. Won’t sit by and take anymore from Erwin that he already had.

He had held up his end of the bargain, and he doesn’t think his thighs will ever go back to the way the were before Erwin had kissed and bit his way up pale skin to other places. A part of him bears this mark proudly, shows that he was loved and he was owned. Another part of him aches.

The worst part, Levi decides, is how entirely normal Erwin acts. No suggestions about how the weather was warming up, no subtle-not-subtle questions about where he was planning on staying in the spring and summer.

Certainly no questions about if he’d be back next fall and winter.

Erwin has told him time and time again to treat this house as his own, so he does. He starts taking little things, things he knows Erwin won’t notice that are missing, squirreling it away in his room. He selects a small backpack, one that he’s never seen Erwin use, and he starts to pack.

It will be hard to re-adjust to the streets, even harder than normal this time with the way Erwin had cared for him so sweetly. He cannot tell if he’ll miss the hot showers or the warm meals most.

He’s 18 now, at least, will be able to go to a homeless shelter without them trying to force him into the foster system. If he can stand to relinquish his freedom for empty walls and half-working air conditioning, he might find a temporary home for the days that burn his skin too badly to run around in.

We’re it another person, he would leave without warning, would have probably slipped out the door at the first sign of a warm week, desperate to get away from strangers he never knew he could trust. Erwin is different, it wouldn’t feel right to leave without saying goodbye.

He doesn’t have to strength to say it verbally, even going so far as to practice in front of the mirror to try and get it out. The image of Erwin’s face, looking down at him but never  _ down _ at him, always treating him as an equal even though Levi had offered to fuck him for safety from the elements.

He can go without hot showers, without clean laundry without a warm meal. His traitorous mind has long since accepted that he will miss Erwin the most. The crease in his brow as he looked over case-files, the light within his eyes as he smiled at him, like Levi was truly  _ worth _ something; like he wasn’t some street brat with no hope and no future.

The words catch in his throat even as he looks his reflection in the eye and tries to croak out a goodbye.

He cannot speak to him, cannot tell him, in words that are his own. But, he can show him.

That is a plan he can settle on, so as he packs, he prepares.

He looks up recipes on Erwin’s laptop, a pastime he was fond of, pokes and prods Erwin for his favorite desserts and learns. He remembers how disastrous Erwin had been about his meals before Levi began staying with him.

_ ‘He needs you.’ _ Whispers that part of his brain that  _ wants _ and  _ needs _ and  _ lo-- _

The bile rises in his throat before he recognizes it, repressing that word and its  _ meaning _ . He does not… feel for Erwin. Does not want him, does not burn under his touch every time he lays claim to his body.

But he does, his chest burns and aches and rages at him, simultaneously shattering and mending itself with every kiss he presses against his dirty skin. His body is not right,  _ he _ is not right, Erwin does not want him.

_ ‘He does.’ _

“You’re lying.” Levi croaks to an empty room, but he feels it in his chest, that twinging desire to  _ followhimfollowhimfollowhim-- _ but he can’t. He has loved, and he has loved, and every time he has lost. He will not open up again.

But, as loathe as he is to admit it, he  _ is _ opening up under Erwin’s touch. That man, that  _ man _ had managed to find and break every chain, every lock he had placed on himself, desperate to keep himself safe. He was changing, in ways he was scared of and in ways he craved. He was-

The clock chiming knocks him out of his thoughts, looking away from the laptop towards it to find he had just spent half an hour acting like a hormonal teenager in a soap opera.

What a fucking mess.

He gently closes the laptop, placing it on the coffee table before getting back up to start cooking.

When Erwin returns home he is pleasantly surprised, that much Levi can tell. He had spent the most of the day cooking meal after meal, freezing them to keep them longer so that  _ hopefully _ when he was gone, Erwin would not be living on takeout chinese again. He almost shudders at the thought of it. 

However for dinner tonight, he had put in even more work, preparing Erwin’s favorite dishes and desserts, some of which hadn’t even made it to the counter, instead being pushed into the fridge to keep for the next few weeks. He was prepared for everything.

“What’s all this for then?” Erwin is tired from work,  _ maybe _ he won’t realize.

Letting a rare smile show on his face, hoping that the regret doesn’t reach his eyes. “I just wanted to say thanks.”

\----

He shows him ‘thanks’ again later that night, when his voice hitches higher and  _ higher _ until it breaks into a soundless scream under a strong, larger body. He comes down from it breathless and sweaty, clinging to Erwin like it was the last chance he would get. It is, technically, but Erwin doesn’t need to know that.

He is only thankful that Erwin doesn’t question him, letting him do as he needed through the day until they had ended up here, in Erwin’s bed; a place he had been spending a lot of time in the past few months.

He does not humor the idea of waking up here for the rest of his life.

He was supposed to leave the second Erwin fell asleep, but he finds himself hesitating, running his fingers through blonde locks well into the early hours of the morning, watching the clock on his nightstand tick past 12, all the way over to 2 am before he finally makes himself get out of Erwin’s bed.

Slowly peeling warm arms from around his body, he grabs his clothes from where they had ended up on the floor and heads to the guest room he had been calling his own. Everything is packed, extra sticks of deodorant, a small medical kit, clothes, at least 4 boxes of granola bars, a refillable water bottle and a few other things he might need.

He gets dressed in silence, pushing past emotions, roaming in the catacombs of his own mind. He re-locks the doors, re-chains himself, and reigns himself in to four walls and a blank nothingness, painting over every mark Erwin had stained him with.

He does not go back to Erwin’s room that night, does not peer in through the crack to watch him sleep for a moment-  _ just a moment _ before he heads down the hallway, fingers running along familiar walls. He passes the kitchen and the living room, with its vibrant view of the city below him.

He walks out the front door as confidently as he had entered in the first time all those months ago.

_ “I just wanted to say thanks, _ ”

He locks the door behind him, crouching down to slide the spare key Erwin had given him under the door.

_ “And goodbye.” _

* * *

When Erwin wakes the next morning, far earlier than he had been as of late, the resounding click of a door echoes within his mind, like the haunting image of a nightmare. He hasn’t had a bad dream in so long, can barely remember what it was about. Levi’s weight is gone from his spot in the bed next to him, but it is not unusual for Levi to leave briefly within the night, always coming back to take his spot within Erwin’s arms.

He reaches out, tracing the last hints of Levi’s warmth under his finger tips, listening for the familiar sounds of his footsteps echoing within the bathroom or the halls.

The house is silent; his bed is cold.

His heart stops.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When their eyes met, with Levi’s thin lips parting to welcome him home, he knew he was where he was meant to be.

The rain pours around him, icy and sending chills throughout his body. It was still so early in spring, still so cold at times. The wind howls around him and he curls in on himself, inching back further against the bench of the bus stop. Levi’s teeth chatter as he looks around, for any other type of shelter nearby. A bus stop is less than ideal, but it’s the only thing with a roof he could loiter at right now.

He doesn’t have enough money for the bus right now either way, even if he did it’d be easier to walk and save the money for food. He has nowhere to walk that he could call home even if he could get himself up and moving again.

He had a home, just weeks before, where he was warm and safe. All good things come to an end, it was easier for him to stop it than let Erwin end it.

Erwin, that was a name he had thought of often. He can’t tell if the pain in his chest is from the cold or something else. Levi knows he shouldn’t but he thinks anyways, mind drifting back to the man that he had stayed with for the past few months. He’s sure Erwin would be able to adjust to his absence, he was alone for so long beforehand from what he’s heard. Even so, he has his friends to stay with.

_ And now you have no one _ his mind whispers, always a traitor to him in his most private of moments. He does have no one, but that’s for the best. It’s easier to get hurt when you have someone. He’s been on the streets too long, has seen too much pain and too much suffering for him to cry now.

His heart weeps anyways.

* * *

The storm takes priority over his work, unable to focus on lines upon lines of text quickly blurring together into one indistinguishable mess. His tongue burns from the coffee and the cold has made his injuries act up but none of it matters to him anymore. The office is mostly empty aside from him and a few other workers, without anyone to return home to Erwin had quickly slipped back into his previous habits. Not enough rest, not enough food, not enough feeling.

The clock ticks on and on and on, louder with every moment of silence surrounding the soft  _ ‘tick-tock’ _ back and forth.

Levi is gone. Has been for weeks, and despite every best effort Erwin had made no one had been able to find him.

Everyone at work can tell he’s off, can tell that something personal has deeply upset him, thankfully no one but those closest to him speak to him about it. He pushes away concerns and questions, surrounding himself in his work and forcing himself well past his own limits, chasing away the pain of loss with something- anything else.

_ “You loved him, didn’t you?” _ Hanji’s voice still rings clear in his head, staring at him with the distantly calculating look in their eyes, coffee sending up wafts of steam that fogged their glasses.

_ “Yes, _ ” He had whispered, staring into the reflection of himself in his own drink.  _ “Yes I do.” _

Levi had taken priority over so much else in his life, overtime hours had been pushed aside, and his overnight stays at the office had stopped completely. Instead he was home on time every night to see Levi’s presence everywhere in his house. Sometimes cleaning, sometimes cooking, sometimes watching t.v but always waiting for him to come home. When their eyes met, with Levi’s thin lips parting to welcome him home, he knew he was where he was meant to be.

He’s still so unsure as to why Levi became as important to him as quickly as he did, perhaps it was in the very meaning of his name “joined, or attached”, and attached to him he had become. Levi’s presence was so very familiar, despite never having seen the man before in his lifetime, but he felt as old as a friend from childhood. Levi fit with him, his thin fingers between the spaces of his own, his body curved against his, his very soul wrapped and wove around his own, tying them together for eternity.

He needs Levi, and everyone knows it.

Everyone, it would seem, except the man himself.

The clock is still moving, ticking and tocking seconds away forever, but when his drowsy eyes blink open his coffee is cold and hours have passed. Months of a love-sick warmth and suddenly he had forgotten how to do his job. He downs the rest of his coffee in one go, abandoning his desk to get more, determined to throw himself back into his work.

The office is cold, the surrounding weather doing little to improve its temperature. He almost falls back asleep watching the microwave spin his cup of water, boredom seeping in. His mind wanders back into dangerous territory of  _ Levi _ as a whole and he worries. Levi, he knows, can take care of himself, is more than familiar with life out on the streets. Yet, the thought of him alone, suffering in the rain makes him want to run, to abandon the office and search until he found him and brought him home.

The microwave beeps at him and he pulls his cup out from within, spooning in 3 spoonfuls of the instant coffee mix they kept lying around before heading back to his office.

Even if he were to find Levi, there’s no telling that Levi would want to come back with him, Levi may not feel for him at all. His kitchen contradicts that, however. It’s hard to eat the food he left behind, although delicious as it is, the less food he has, the less he has of Levi.

He hadn’t been in his room since the night he had left, when he had burst in desperately hoping that maybe Levi had gone to his own bed instead of leaving. The room was bare, and he hadn’t gone back since.

He’s about to sit down at his desk again when his phone rings. He takes a moment to compose himself before clearing his throat best as he can and answering.

“Hel--”

_ “ERWIN.” _

He jerks the phone away from his ear, wincing at the ringing before slowly putting it closer. He can hear the rain clearly and what sounds like Hanji-- panting?

“Hanji, are you out in the rain?”

_ “ _ _ I found Levi! Shit!” _

Those words are all it takes for his pulse to sky-rocket, standing up so quickly. So many questions rush to his mind.

“Where? Is he alright?”

_ “He’s fast as hell is what he is god damn.” _

“Where are you, I’m on my way right now.”

And then he hears the phone drop, picking up the hard clatter of it splaying across what he can only assume to be the sidewalk, probably putting yet another crack in its screen. Hanji’s frothy indiscriminate cursing are audible even far away from it.

_ “Fuck. I lost him.” _

It’s hard for him to hear them over the rain, but the deep sadness sinks into him again without warning, weighing his body and his mind down like it had over the past few weeks.

“Where did you find him?”

_ “Hiding at a bus stop. I started yelling for him and he just took off. Lost him somewhere near uh… Park street.” _

Park street, he knows to be in one of the worse parts of town, and like that every one of his worst fears comes crashing down around him, forcing him to lean against the desk to keep himself steady. Levi was out there in the rain and cold, in the slums.

“I see… thank you, Hanji, for trying.”

_ “N-n-no prob E-Erwin.” _

Their teeth are chattering, and although their voice is trying to be optimist, he feels awful anyway.

_ “I’m s-sure I’ll get that s-shorty next time.” _

“Do you need a lift? I can come and get you right now If you’d like.”

Mentally he can picture Hanji waving him off as they did.

_ “N-nah, y’know my apartment is n-near here. Don’t d-dirty yourself up for my sake c-commander.” _

He smiles a bit but not enough to warm him, never enough to feel real anymore.

“Alright, thank you again Hanji.”

_ “Cya!” _

The call ends and it’s all he can do to make it back to his chair to collapse, running his fingers through his hair.

* * *

Levi runs. He runs until his lungs burn and his vision is too blurry to see anymore, adrenaline pushing him on and on past his breaking point until even  _ he’s _ not sure where he is anymore. That neighborhood is out now, he can’t stay there anymore if it risks Hanji or Erwin finding him.

He doesn’t stop until the neon sign of a nearby diner draws him in, ducking under the outside awning and finally stopping to let himself breathe.

He clings tight to his small bag of possession, putting it down on the driest spot under the awning and letting himself crouch down, wrapping his arms around himself. The run had warmed him up a bit at least, but he knew he’d get cold quick like this.

He won’t bother with trying to get food here, god knows he doesn’t have any money and by now the trash is probably too soaked to even merit going through.

The air in his lungs is too cold and it makes him wheeze. He shouldn’t run with his binder on, let alone that long and hard, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

That doesn’t help him with his current breathing problem. He coughs once or twice as he inhaled, breathing in too cold air too fast. It’s a hellish cycle and it hurts no matter what he does, he’s just glad when he’s finally calmed down enough to go back to breathing normally.

He can feel the weight of his knife in his pocket, an unfamiliar neighborhood means he must be more careful, must be more vigilant.

He’s not sure how long he’s been out there, shivering and staring steadfast ahead when the door next to him opens, jingling and casting light out into the darkness. He stands up immediately, already in the process of reaching for his bag to get a move on when a small hand wraps-not unkindly-around his wrist.

“You’re homeless, aren’t you?”

Straight to the point, she is, tugging just enough to get him to turn around and look her in the eyes. He looks up at her, trying to make out facial expressions from where she stood a step up, surrounded by the light of the diner.

“And if I am?”

She smiles all too warmly and steps out into the rain to hold the door open for him, rain immediately seeping into her clothes and making a mess of her hair. There is no pity in her eyes, only a firm desire to help.

“How would you feel about a hot meal?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty all for your support i love reading your comments


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s not great, but it’s good - better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for ichigo

It’s not great, but it’s good - better. It’s certainly better than anything Levi was used to. He’d expected a lot from himself as he aged, to end up as a prostitute, a drug dealer -  _ anything _ ; anything but to have a steady job.

He’d only been there a few months now, but it definitely seemed like his position was permanent, one of the few things in his life that was. The diner was kind to him, warm and friendly, welcoming even in the dark of night. The reason for its atmosphere became clear to him before he had even stepped in that fateful night.

The woman - Petra Bossard - is a bundle of energy, happy and kind, but absolutely scathing when necessary. She owned the restaurant with her husband, Auruo Bossard. Auruo, happened to be a total tool. A good tool, but a tool nonetheless. He hadn’t expected much when he had stepped under the awning what  _ felt _ like so long ago, certainly not safety and friends, but he got it anyways.

Levi wasn’t kind, he really,  _ really _ wasn’t. He was cold and walled off and bitter and some part of him had long since been lost. An ache for every second of his mother he could remember, an ache for every smile of Erwin’s his memory was losing. He was wounded and bitter and didn’t know how to talk to people. Petra extended her hand anyways, and with her came Auruo, shit-eating grin plastered on his face when he had declared Levi a  _ “drowned cat.” _

Levi had scowled predictably, hands wrapped around a warm mug of tea -  _ looking back on it, that had not helped the “drowned cat” look - _ but still thanked him when Auruo came back with food he wasn’t expected to pay for. There was never a better word spoken than “free”.

He’s still not sure whether it was kindness, stupidity, or a mix of the two that led to Petra  _ demanding _ he work for them, but he’s thankful she did all the same. He’s learned a few very important things with his time around them: Petra is impossible to say no to, Auruo acts like an asshole but has a heart of gold, and if you mess with _ either _ of them the other will come running.

It’s kind of funny.

He’s also allowed to swear around the customers, so that’s a bonus.  _ Although _ , he thinks, pausing by the door to the kitchen to eavesdrop on a line of frothy cursing spilling from Auruo’s lips,  _ it’d be hypocritical for them to stop him. _

A lot had happened for Levi since a few months ago, job aside, he can save money now and once every week he’s attending night classes for school to get a degree, and he has a roof over his head at the end of the night. Friends are a foreign concept to him, but he has them again too, very strange.

Auruo is nice to talk to, probably the most understanding person he’s ever spoken to - not emotionally, Auruo’s  _ also _ trans. It was one of the first things they had bonded over actually. Petra is understanding in her own ways, soft eyes and charming smiles. Like Erwin.

He thinks about Erwin often, everyday, if he was honest - but he’s rarely honest with himself. He thinks about Erwin every  _ so _ often, wonders how he’s doing, if he’s eating enough, if he’s doing well. Erwin is a sensitive topic to him, because Levi  _ knows _ that he has no reason to feel this way. Erwin was a man he stayed with -  _ slept _ with because he had to survive. Something tugs at him still.

It’s an ache, a need, an age old longing that dug it’s fingers into him, whispered of a dream, a desire to follow, to protect. He would be content, he thinks, to die for a purpose Erwin deemed worthy, but that thought scares him as much as it grounds him. He knows so little of Erwin, but his mind begs that he know more, that he re-tie the strange of fate he had severed when he fled. Levi wants it too.

His fingers shake, string too tiny for him to grasp, red like crimson and a life he no longer remembers. Theoretically, Erwin hasn’t changed jobs - hasn’t moved. Levi could go to him, and it’s when he thinks of  _ that _ possibility, that  _ chance _ , that he stays up all night, lost in a confliction tearing him apart.

Levi’s hands shake when he comes back into himself, staring at his feet, leagues away from the world before he re-enters his body, re-enters the diner, and comes back to the now. He can never regret, it would kill him, the past is dead and dying and that’s not good, not great, but better.

He busies himself with work, an occupied mind will prevent him from wandering. It works for awhile, always does for a bit. Then he turns down Petra and Auruo’s offers for  _ something _ with the group of friends they’re always trying to get him to meet, and he goes back to their apartment alone. He occupies himself still with a cup of tea, one that he holds the mug of until it goes cold in his hands, staring into the liquid without taking a sip.

He drinks cold tea that night amidst his cleaning. They don’t have him pay rent, thankfully, but they don’t ask anything sexual of him either. He cleans, he cooks sometimes, and he’s quiet. Petra and Auruo tell him that they just take rent out of his paycheck, but he knows they don’t - know that they’re kind people.

He can’t imagine when they’ll get tired of him, but he’s glad they’re not so far.

The money he earns is saved, focused on minor expenses, and squirreled away where he deems it safe. A part of him wants to be more, for his mother, for Erwin, he wants to be something.

Auruo and Petra come back later that night and just about drag him from his room, herding him to the living room to watch a movie with him, gushing and talking about this and that. He’s quiet, always has been and always will be, but they know what he means and that in it of itself is rare.

Levi doesn’t even know what he means anymore.

Erwin would know, Erwin always knew what Levi was. “ _ Worthwhile _ .” He’d say, looking at him with a fond gaze, eyes the color of the sea. “ _ Amazing. _ ” Honey sprinkled in his tea, a sweetness palpable even when he was gone. “ _ Beautiful. _ ” The press of his hands on his body and bruises on his hips in the shape of his fingers. “ _ Oh, Levi. _ ” His name like the revelry of a man seeing an angel.

Levi was something under his hands, cultivated and blossoming. It’s summer and yet he is wilted and dead, dry under the heat.

The movie starts and somewhere during it he ends up getting caught in a popcorn war with Auruo, one that Petra takes his side on. Auruo declares his wife a  _ cheating brat _ while grinning and Petra maturely sticks her tongue out in response.

Levi’s quirked lips almost stretch into a smile that reaches his eyes but something tiring weighs at him still. Even when they say goodnight and part for the evening, popcorn cleaned up and t.v. shut off, something still clings to him.

He could never regret, it would have killed him, and now it has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay SO. i'm ending the first half of this story here, i don't like how the past chapters have been written or the length of them, but don't worry, this story is far from resolved. i'm not sure when ill get the second half up but it will have a happy ending i assure you of that. i'm not sure how many chapters the next part will have but i do have an actual outline written this time and i know what i want to do and how i want to get it done but it will get done. i may be absent at times but it is well within my intentions to finish and tie off this series!  
> thank you all for sticking with me and with this story though the random absences, happy holidays!


End file.
